Dead Letters
by G i g a HEART
Summary: UPDATED - Rewriting After two years of constantly trying to impress his beloved Yuki, Shuichi decides to leave, running into Touma Seguchi who offers him some shelter.
1. K a g a m i

**AN:** Hey guys! Due to the many favorites and comments and alerts how many years later? I have decided to remake this story. There's many reasons behind it. I think I've grown as a writer and besides, Youkai Dreams. She used to comment this story a lot and we became close friends, but she passed a few years ago. To her memory, I would like to recreate this story. Youkai loved Touma being spelled 'Tohma', if you're wondering why I changed it. Thank you all for your support throughout the years. Truly! I hope you like it… I will be remaking every chapter.

_Secretly flowing, the white…_  
そっと流れる, 白い  
_dried clouds are passing by._  
乾いた雲が通る  
_I, who is ashen…_  
灰色のわたしは  
_merely and motionlessly vanished…as I watched._  
ただじっと消えて行くのを…見てた

Chapter One: _Kagami, Kagami_

There was a hole in my chest. It doesn't want and it doesn't crave.

My heart was beating loudly, as if trying to find its way out of my chest. Nothing could keep this heart from exploding, not after everything that had happened. The things that mattered most to me were becoming transparent and leaving me. Flashes of my determined, happier self were lost now, and left to be undone. Yuki was a jerk. That part was the truth. There was nothing trivial about the romance novelist. He had a unique talent of letting me down. An hour of running around the wintry hell that was the late night streets of Tokyo, and I was still at square one. Every single time I opened this heart up it was closed amid the rejection of my lover.

Yuki doesn't love or laugh, he's too impetuous to do such things.

One day I'll be gone and all Yuki will have are his adoring female fans and a lonely empty apartment. I would only then have to wish that he would realize that the vacant part of his heart was where I belong, in order for Yuki to feel alive again. I wished that for once that he would see me from the same perspective and that our love was a mutual want and feeling. Was it possible to love someone so cruel and demanding, so vicious and cold? How could I ever feel so unwanted by the person who showed me love for the first time in my reckless life? I loved Yuki more than Bad Luck. Hiro's face flashed before me and it felt like a bucket of ice water was poured onto me. That wasn't true. I simply didn't mean it.

It's true that I was a completely selfish person. I had a habit of being needy and impossibly overbearing, but I loved him. He doesn't have to look at me as if I'm nothing. Dark golden eyes didn't have to accuse me of being an idiot. As much as I loved eating the floor when attempting to become closer to Yuki, I couldn't stand the tension whenever I'd try to get near him. The metaphorical begging puppy was me. I knew that I was just a joke, as I continued to find ways to decode the complexity of Yuki's heart. I couldn't be with him anymore and it needed to stop. The child in me had to die somehow, even if it meant drowning myself in these feelings, even if it meant getting rid of the old Shuichi and replacing him with the new and bitter one.

When in a relationship, you find yourself staying no matter what hurdle or obstacle. That's what you do for the person you love and care about, right? You try to make it work, come hell or high water. That wasn't Yuki and me, and that wasn't a relationship. My heart clenched, as I grasped my chest there, waiting for the throbbing sensation to go away. How could Yuki still inflict pain when he's not even around? The faith inside of me was smaller now and soon, I wouldn't have the ability to love like this anymore. I couldn't trust love. I couldn't trust Yuki or any of my feelings. My feelings have brought me to this point, where breathing is just a hard task. Granted, I was running, but being with Yuki was also at times suffocating.

What first intrigued me about Yuki, I thought at first that it was his criticism, now I was certain that it was just his mystery. I thought that there could be no one else as cool as Yuki, no one as lax and calm. I didn't mind his lack of enthusiasm, so long as he was giving me some of his attention. Just give me a moment, Yuki. I admired your walls, before I knew that they were made of steel. You were so strong and collected, those walls impenetrable. Yuki's words were intentional and were deliberately meant to hurt me and push me away. How could I have been so ignorant this entire time? How could he see everything in the dark? Why was he so ignorant to those who wanted to help him? Why did Yuki want to face that burden alone…

This wasn't the point obviously and the original point was that he pushed me and my belongings out the door again. He told me that he couldn't stand the sound of my voice and that he couldn't refrain from getting sick of looking at me. Now in these cases, I'd usually run to Hiro, because he's the only home that I've known for a long while, but he and Ayaka had long since moved in together. Then there's Ryuichi Sakuma, but I tried once before and ended up bunked with his Kumagoro Plush.

_Lost again, kid._

I shrugged in response to my own subconscious thinking. "I don't know what to do anymore."

"Shindou-san," The voice was gentle and so positively kind, that it could have only belonged to one person in particular. Tohma Seguchi, the infamous President of NG studio, and the keyboardist of my favorite band, Nittle Grasper. The man I owed my life, career, and success to was standing just in front of me now, with his hands tucked casually into his pockets. As you could imagine, I halted dead in my tracks.

"S-Seguchi-san," I breathed out wearily, the long run did nothing for my social abilities or health condition at the moment. It was a good thing that Tohma was never filled with the urge to shake one's hand, otherwise I'd probably break off his delicate talented fingers from all of this current frustration. I take his long moments of silence to breathe in the air that my lungs were rudely neglected of, we could also blame that on Yuki. It wasn't my fault that I couldn't think properly anymore. It couldn't be my fault.

"What are you doing roaming the streets at this late hour?" The usual calm and friendly tone that Tohma was always known and identified for was now low, deep and dare I say concerned. My boss and part-time rival wasn't always worried about me, seeing as I was closest to his precious Eiri, though at the present moment, his blue eyes were practically smoldering. I was stuck in them, drowning in their depths to find an escape. This man, as friendly as he may appear, wasn't all that nice. Tohma had the absolute power to make or break me. It was a little unsettling at times to stand mere inches away from this man.

Tohma overwhelmed me just by one glance, a glance that possibly meant something along the lines of, 'Get bent'. I avoided his question, which only caused his thin blond brows to furrow thoughtfully. "I understand if you don't want to tell me."

_Please, lace on the guilt…_

"I was kicked out again, which isn't so surprising, is it?" I hadn't meant to just blurt it out. I didn't mean for it to be blunt and out there, but Tohma wasn't a stranger to the obvious flaws in mine and Yuki's relationship. It was very old news at this point. The sarcasm was burning at the back of my throat, begging me to go on further with such unappreciated banter. Tohma had my future in his hands and here I was, acting like an immature brat (_Thanks Yuki_). I decided to cancel out my last question due to his lack of response, with another question, "Seguchi-san, why are _you_ here this late at night?"

He was as smooth and graceful as a lion, walking closer to me with his hands tucked beneath the jacket of his black and peach suit, into his pants pockets. Bold choice. There was a pureness to such eyes, soft cobalt stared into me. Tohma's eyes matched the milky paleness of his skin. This only made my ridiculous observation feed on it more. I decided to look past the deceiving mask, because I knew all too well that Tohma was determined when it came to me. He just wanted to pick me apart and find the pieces that he himself was missing. Why did Yuki so willingly let me inside after a few months, while Tohma has tried for years to have what I've so desirably wanted. Yuki's not a prize. I refrained from saying so, as I bit at my bottom lip.

After the second year of mine and Yuki's relationship, Tohma had given up. Was Tohma's curiosity with me still flaring, or was I too given up on? Either way, I couldn't care any less. I just wanted to find the proper way to move on, or else I'll continue wasting my life on an obstinate jerk off. I'm done with impressing everyone. I'm just a joke at this point, with my back facing the world, ever trembling – ever breaking.

I snapped out of the trance I had unwillingly fallen victim to, watching now as Tohma reached down and grabbed one of my bags from the ground. After noticing that I wasn't moving, he tilted his head to the side, regarding me with an annoyingly calm expression. He must've been waiting for me to join him with the whole lifting and walking thing. Just when I was enjoying a good rest, I picked up the remaining bags from the ground. This was the man who tried to manipulate me and my lover. Why the hell would he carry my bags? This must've been something that mature adults do, once they've pretended to not care about the past.

"You do desire to sleep tonight, don't you…" He looked over at me through his choppy pale bangs, taking a poke at my sore and tired pace. After my sarcastic glare 'har-har', I rolled my eyes and followed closely behind him. Tohma was going to take me in now? A weird tension settled over us, the music of Tokyo's streets was easy enough to focus on, the cars passing and the leaves scraping across the concrete sidewalk. At least I could cross out the possibility of fending for my life against twelve year old girls finding me on the streets.

"You never told me why you were out here," I reminded him gently, as if he'd suddenly decline his generous promise of sleep. I wouldn't push him for conversation, it didn't feel right when talking to Tohma. A part of me respected him much more than I did Yuki. Granted, this was Yuki's brother-in-law. Who knows what the real Tohma was like, he could be just like Yuki, constantly hiding his real feelings, and putting up a defensive wall.

"I'd rather not discuss the matter. For now, I'm going to refer to his night as a fortunate happening." I was alarmed by his sudden chuckle. How could this be fortunate? We hated each other. Maybe Tohma was more lost than I was, since he was practically rolling in his own secrecy and the amusement of it. I wondered about what Mika thought about this, or maybe that was the problem. His wife could very well be the reason why Tohma was here right now, sharing conversation with me.

I looked up at the very large, wide building. It was the Sunshine hotel.

"Seguchi-san..ah...S-Shuichi Shindo!" We were probably going to need help from another service manager. This woman was a gasp away from fainting. I could just do all the work for her, that would be nice of me. I was capable of doing one nice thing today, maybe. I scribbled my name onto the piece of paper she handed to me, with shaking fingers might I add, and signed away. A soft, curious expression loomed over the once concerned features of Tohma's face. He wasn't very good with fans an inhale away from passing out.

"My friend and I would like a hotel room." This is where Tohma's manipulation came into play. I sort of drowned my ears out to the obvious low toned conversation. No one must know that we're staying here, and this woman would have to sign a paper that Tohma would soon provide, as would all of the staff. NG policy clearly states that such and such shouldn't reveal that so and so are staying at blank place. I felt a pair of eyes on me, as I crooked my head to the side to see Tohma staring at me. "Shuichi, how long do you think you'll be staying?"

How long would it take for everyone to forget about me? He answered for me just as my lips parted, "A few day-."

"A month." A month. Why thank you, Tohma. You always knew what was best for me, sadly though, I didn't stay away from Yuki when you warned me. Next time you should use crosses and some holy water to get your message across. I hoped that Tohma planned on paying for this month's long stay, since I had little money, and Kei would have my ass kicked all over Japan. Or just plain shot. Either or could go down with Kei.

"One room would be fine." If it were possible, my jaw had slacked to the floor. I didn't have enough enthusiasm to object, so I continued to let the president do all of the talking. I would be sharing a room and a bed with Tohma? The butterflies in my stomach fluttered like they were in hell, and attempting to get out in order to avoid getting hit by torched knives. It's not like I was afraid, because I wasn't. I just needed my own room to vent and die in.

"You might want to get in touch with Kei in the morning," He informed me, while walking up each step towards the rooms. I lugged every bag up the extended staircase, not particularly pleased with how winded I became, while Tohma maintained perfectly fine. This man was older than me and where the hell was the damned bellhop anyway? I bet that woman would have taken care of it all. I snickered to myself the entire way to the room. Oh, that's right. I had more important things to worry about. A shared bed with Tohma? No. I'd take the couch. Was there a couch?

Tohma found himself a place in the corner, a very comfortable _looking_ chair, but his face told me otherwise. I smiled wryly at the situation, not fully convinced that this was really happening. It was foreign to me, here in a hotel room with Tohma Seguchi of all people. I was tempted to ask him why he's being so kind, but the words were sour on my tongue, and even bitter the more I played with the idea. Tohma always had a reason behind the things he did, especially favors, so what would it be?

Still, I really shouldn't occupy the bed-

"You work hard and you'll need your rest." He said, clearly unfazed by the concentrated look I had fixed on him. He seemed to relax when he turned off the lamp beside him, making my company seemingly nothing, and no big deal. Meanwhile, I remained tensed, watching him place his damnable hat on the table, with that ridiculous smile worn thin into a frown once I was sure that he was somewhat asleep.

Maybe there was a way to play off my sorrows to Kei tomorrow. Two revolvers fluttered in my mind, as Kei comes out of the mist. He had a very 'lock and load' way about him. The thought of not performing due to heartbreak symptoms were sounding less and less appealing the more I thought about being shot. Yeah, no… I took one last glance over at Tohma, before turning off my light, letting the darkness and quiet music somehow relieve the depressed atmosphere. I could erase Eiri Yuki. I could somehow bleed him out of my bloodstream.

_Ne, Tohma_…_Arigatou_.

-  
TBC


	2. C a n a r y

**AN:** Hey guys! Due to the many favorites and comments and alerts how many years later? I have decided to remake this story. There are many reasons behind it. I think I've grown as a writer and besides, Youkai Dreams. She used to comment this story a lot and we became close friends, but she passed a few years ago. To her memory, I would like to recreate this story. Youkai loved Touma being spelled 'Tohma', if you're wondering why I changed it. Thank you all for your support throughout the years. Truly! I hope you like it… I will be remaking every chapter.

**Shadowfox13:** I really liked your review, even though you were procrastinating the entire thing. I thought this was very cute! XD I think gives the author a lot of liberties, like being able to change your name whenever you want to, and people lose track of the author and such. It's very easy to lose things. I want people to be able to find the rewrite of it and know that it is a rewrite of this particular story, and also it's still connected in some way to Youkai. I will consider, after it's finished of course to possible separate it as a different story if a different title. I haven't decided on whether or not to go outside of Shuichi's POV, but there are a lot more feelings involved. Everything doesn't just become blurt out in the first chapter, and I'd like to make this story more in depth. I'm very pleased that you have so many questions and thoughts. Thank you very much for reviewing and I hope that I don't disappoint you!

**Spirit's Whisper:** I'm sorry it took me forever to update it. I got your review and was really happy to see that you were also a fan of Youkai's, because she really was fabulous, and a very dear close friend off FF, and it drove me crazy not being able to do anything that would just represent how much she meant to me. Thank you! I hope my writing style has grown. Honestly, I look back to my old writing and cringe, but so many others appreciated it. Tohma and Shuichi is such a good pairing, too. It really is. Thank you for coming back for a read XD It's comforting.

_Italics are often used as memories, also in this case, music. _

* * *

These hands that kept reaching for darkness, won't it be okay if they grasp anything…  
暗闇に伸ばし続けた手 でも何を掴めばいいのか…

Chapter Two: _Canary's Cage_

It was difficult remaining asleep when the sun insisted on my wakening. I touched the back of my hand to my cheek and squinted at its warmth. Someone must've opened the blinds and my guess would have to be on the oh-so fun loving blond. _God, help me…_ My eyes were still closed and unable to open from my sheer lack of will. I turned against my pillow, my stomach flat against the mattress now as I started to count the various reasons why this day should happen. Concert, there's one. I've already run out of reasons and probably the proper amount of brain matter to continue.

_That's brilliant…_

The spot next to me was kept cold all throughout the night. I tried my best to make it warm, limbs all across the bed, but that side never did turn warm. It's Yuki's side, why should I have expected that spot to ever become cozy in the first place? Perhaps my recent dilemma or the past few **dozen** have made me more dramatic over the years, like my romance with Yuki was out of some manga, or perhaps even one of those drama's kids were into now a days. But it was most certainly the only truth I had to go by.

I fell for Yuki and I learned to accept him, but falling out of love would maybe hurt more than ever being in love with Yuki and accepting it. How could I not be stubborn at such a selfish time? The memories of last night clouded in my head, flashing one by one, as if my mind only wanted to skip to the imperative parts, and ignore all of the rest. Yuki's face accusing me, his golden eyes were smothering in that cold scrutinizing way, bearing every flaw to him, and revealing every bit of shame. I wasn't meant for you, Yuki, isn't that what you really wanted to say?

Weren't those the words that I deserved this entire time? _I needed to hear them._

"Shuichi, Shuichi, Shuichi…" came the smug, dangerously calm voice. Awkwardly, while lying there close to my pillow I had to wonder if Kei had once been through some type of Military training, or if he even perhaps graduated from the Police Academy. Slowly, I could hear the trigger sliding back across Kei's thumb with precision. "You're two hours, fifty-seven minutes, and thirty-six seconds late for sound check. Do you know what that kind of instability could do to a band like Bad Luck?"

"Go on…say it…" I lifted my head up towards him, while forcing at least one open long enough to see the smooth long tip of a Sniper Rifle in my face. "Do you really need a Sniper Rifle to kill me at such close range?"

"Why Shuichi, I didn't know you knew so much about guns!" He chuckled, delightedly, caught in what seemed to be a disgustingly sweet moment for him, before his blond brows drew together and he glared his blue eyes at me. "That's beside the point. You're coming with me, now. With little next to zero fuss and with the shenanigans you've pulled lately, you're lucky I'm allowing you to get dressed alone."

I rolled my eyes, as I sat myself up, "Says the guy who packs weaponry in his bentos…that's a real relief. Should I expect some police brutality at some point today?"

"Why are you here anyway? Speak quickly." Kei had a way of making everyday sound like some big mission, like I was somehow in danger, or even a package that needed to be delivered, or even manhandled to the Yakuza, or even the Russian mob. "I have Tohma's version, but vacationing doesn't sound like you, especially without your precious-"

"Tohma's right. I'm just taking a break." Precious Yuki? No, no, no…**no**.

My body felt sluggish or simply just as heavy as my heart felt. "Itai…itai…"

Kei's arms crossed defensively, "Oh no, Shuichi. You're not getting out of this one. You obviously don't know me well enough to understand who you're dealing with. I will land a helicopter on the roof of this very nice hotel, and I will nurse you into a very giving mood." I watched him take out a small gun from behind his back, now raising it up like a trophy, repeating, "…very giving."

"It's just some minor back problems due to sleeping on an unfamiliar mattress."

Beware of the falling bullshit!

"Well, just how minor are we talking?" The tone in his voice had a hint of suspicion. Usually, on my good days I used to weasel my way out of small situations like band practice or meetings. Concerts and interviews were important to me and I find myself insulted that he'd think me that horrible. When I didn't answer, he took that as a 'go' to continue, "Shuichi, you really have changed."

It could be the many trips to the bathroom last night. There is a limit to how much one could or should throw up due to heartbreak. I was just thankful that the musical blubbering didn't wake up Tohma. I knew that Kei wasn't speaking of anything physically changing, but instead mentally. Maybe it was for the best that I did finally change and that I wasn't the usual chipper vocalist. It was about time that I grew up and became more…serious.

I closed the bathroom door and changed into a new pair of clothes for the day, comfortable ones for sound check. I clicked my overly large fanny pack in place and let it settle behind my back. Cool water slipped through my fingers as I washed at my face a few times. I didn't even recognize the pale reflection in the mirror. I looked drained and after all of these years, perhaps it was only fitting. I'd shower later before getting my hair messed with by the stylist, face made up to perfection, and clothes tight enough to see how I've been purging myself. Emotionally eating my way out of ice cream cartons and mochi.

"Ano…Shuichi, I suppose now is a good time to tell you that the duration is for only one song." My eyebrow twitched as I swung open the bathroom door, watching the tall blond cup his nose dramatically. With holding the truth was obviously a government thing. Maybe Kei was part of the CIA? I let my mind wander for as long as it could bear the thoughts coming to me, before I blinked out of my stupor.

There were too many things reminding me of so many liars in this small vast world.

* * *

It was halfway to the venue that I started to feel my spirits lift. The fans were always supportive. I enjoyed a Japanese audience the most, since they were so responsive. They even came up with their own hand motions for every single song. Usually they remained respectful and quiet during the slow songs, then also self maintained during energetic ballads. They did go nuts, but in a slight way that justified every mood perfectly. Yes, I welcomed this small performance, seeking help that only they could supply. Nothing else could give me this brand of satisfaction. Nothing could lift me up high anymore. This was all I had left.

_Slowly…suddenly…_

"Shuichi!" I ducked, hearing Ryuichi's head smack against the wall behind me. I couldn't remember walking out of the van and inside the building. That was the problem with lack of sleep. Oh, wait…Ryuichi. I turned to see bright large eyes twinkling at me with admiration. Apparently I was cool now. I allowed the taller man to wrap his arms around me, engulfing me into a warm hug. It was useless to fight against Ryuichi. He will get his hug. Though, why in the hell is Nittle Grasper here?

When the vocalist pulled away, I could see the rest of his band walking down the hall with water bottles and hand towels. As soon as I saw ash colored hair, I averted my gaze to the floor. Last night was beyond unsettling and even now I could feel myself become flush. If Yuki knew about it he would…Well, I suppose he wouldn't do anything. It's not like he would care about mine and Tohma's innocent endeavors. Old Yuki…maybe would have…

"Ryu-kun, you really truly concern me." Noriko came up from behind the vocalist and grabbed onto his collar, slowly dragging Ryuichi with her, purple curls bouncing as she looked over her shoulder with a wink, "Good luck, though you hardly need it when we've delivered a very attentive crowd for you."

"Come now, Noriko," Tohma beamed with an arched expression, that annoying smile in place. Ryuichi had paused in his whining, resuming his serious self at the sight and sound of a voice and person that seemed a lot like a spell at the moment. Not just for me, but for anyone who was in the presence of such a powerful person. It didn't matter, band mate, close friend, or even employee. Tohma shrugged further into his long black coat, the material no longer hanging off his shoulders, constricting the movements of his performance.

If possible, Tohma looked paler than I've ever seen him, almost sickly. It could be from the present exhaustion or stress about that certain specific thing he was crashing at a hotel with me for. In any case, this was a very rare characteristic. I can't even remember the blond ever being ill before. Tohma usually expressed concern, maybe thoughtfulness or even cruel happiness. I didn't particularly care, looking up just in time for cobalt to stare right through me.

"I'll see you later, Shuichi." My lips parted to reply, but nothing came out, my lungs were tight. Now I was positive that all eyes were on me. Fujisaki's left arm even slumped, a bag falling from his loose grip. Hiro kind of raised an eyebrow at me, but I wouldn't follow up on discussing anything with him, because no one needed to know. It would only get worse that way and I only wanted to forget.

"Daijoubu?" Why the hell did Tohma even care. I grew less sane as the moments passed on by. The only person who kept me balanced was gone now.

"I'm fine…" It was time anyway. For once I was the first to walk out on the stage, instantly filled with urgency and rush. The crowd was more than happy to see me. Kei was probably delighted by my actions, in an oblivious 'that's my boy' kind of way. Hiro and Fujisaki joined, both skittish – walking around me like they were dodging bullets to get to their set ups.

"Bad Luck…" I murmured, my voice echoing strongly in the now quiet room. It was difficult to convey any wrong or right feeling. I just wanted to scream. The music struck, but my ears rejected it immediately. The room was without color, turning into my own monochromatic hell. I couldn't understand I didn't want the reason as to why I couldn't just belong in Yuki's life.

_Strongly, strongly I wished, even if the 'meaningless' tomorrow doesn't come..._  
強 く強く願った 「無」な明日など来なくてもいい  
_The countless emotions will overflow._  
数 え切れない思い溢れ出す

_'Yuki, onegai…' It was almost painful when he'd glare at me, as if he were actually twisting the knife into my back, right between my shoulder blades. There was an ever constant twisting and stabbing, and creating of new wounds. Sometimes just lying there, I could even feel myself bleed. Those cruel words left a very gentle mouth, even now as I beg he goes on with such cruel words. On the floor, begging for them to stop, he kept going._

_'You are nothing to me, you never were.'_

_My eyes slowly opened, a tear following a salty trail down past my cheek, 'Yuki…'_

_'It'll be okay if I never see your face again. That's how much I can't stand looking at a pathetic brat like you.' It was just another knife. He grabbed at my chin, turning my face to look into dark topaz eyes, accusing me with the same hatred he spoke of, and now I could see it. My eyes widened at what was there. Now I was quite sure that Yuki really couldn't stand me anymore, conveying it, 'Do you believe me now?' _

_The sky I looked up to someday is too far away and I even forgot how to fly…_  
いつか見上げた空あまりに遠くて 羽ばたく事すら出来なくて  
_The canary in my dream has forgotten how to sing._  
夢の中のカナリアは歌う事を忘れ

Sometimes I felt strong and most of the time, I felt weak. Without Yuki I was even weaker. There was no denying it anymore that I needed him. My hand closed tightly over the metal microphone stand. The crowd was awfully quiet this time, the youth of Japan standing there, staring up at me, and some even crying at this point. It was different this time and they could feel it in the tone of my voice. I was reliving more bad moments than good ones.

Why was that…?

_Yuki…please….stay…_

I need you. That's the truth, but you don't need me. I see it in your eyes, in your actions, and pressed against my lips. Your thoughtfulness was something else, something intriguingly spiteful. It was interesting how much you can hate someone you claimed to love. How the doors could open and slam right shut in my face. It took forever just to get your heart in the same rhythm as my own. It took forever just to hear yours pounding.

_Deeply, deeply I prayed, it's okay if I don't see any dreams anymore…_  
深く深く祈った もう夢など見なくてもいい  
_The weakness that doesn't stop crushing me will turn into ash._  
抑 えきれない弱さ灰になる

These were the moment that were supposed to make me forget about Yuki and the horrible things he said to me. I was supposed to block it out, but they were smothering, and suffocating every rational thought. This feeling, it was tangible. I could reach my hand out and grasp at the amount of pain I was in. I don't want to remain like this, in this place where everything is black and white. I didn't want to stay chained to this person. I just wanted to breathe my own air, yet now it seemed like I had plenty of it now. I should be able to breathe.

I had always searched for Yuki while he was gone. I always took pride in staying by his side and letting him know that he wasn't alone. I was stupid, always stupid enough to think I could somehow be the one to knock down those walls he built up to keep others out of. I let him take my heart, as so many others do, as Tohma did. I let him treat me like a toy, one he no longer cared to mend anymore. I was so blinded by the rare good moments that I had forgotten about my heart and what it needed. Tohma?

Why did I even care about the relationship between Tohma and Yuki…It's not like it was anything important to me then, or even now. My eyes sought over the crowd, but they seemed to come in and out of focus. It's not like he would be standing there now. I let my eyes fall to the back door, and paused in my actions, my voice dropping to a mere whisper. It looked just like…I squinted as blond hair turned into pale white, and the larger frame turned into a more thin one.

_The sky I looked up to someday is too beautiful and I even forgot how to fly_.  
い つか見上げた空あまりに綺麗で 羽ばたく事すら出来なくて  
_The canary in my dream has forgotten how to sing._  
夢の中のカナリアは歌う事を忘れ

_'Shuichi…'_

Tohma?

I blinked my eyes, not sure what I was seeing. What the hell was_ he_ still doing here and in _that_ spot? Of course it wasn't exactly the same. Tohma stood as he always did, jacket and hat in his hand. Was he really going to wait for me? I closed my hand for the ending of the song, making each moment as dramatic as possible. I managed to gain a few screams at such randomly passionate movements. Somewhere Ryuichi was watching this too probably, cheering for me in his boxers and hugging his usagi to his chest.

"Arigatou…" I brushed my top lip against the microphone, lingering there for a long moment with my head down. I was grateful for their attention, and patience with such an emotional performance. I stood back up, waving an exhausted arm back at the crowd, thanking them even though I was no longer near the microphone now, with my eyes avoiding the back row by the door. I didn't want to see Tohma standing there watching me with that calm expression, for whatever reason he was staring at me for in the first place.

"That was a powerful performance-" I walked right past Kei as he was speaking to me, heading straight for my bag. My towel was in there somewhere. I grabbed it and started to dab at my face, while taking slow sips of water. It felt like ice going down my throat, as my heart thumped wildly for some annoying reason.

Hiro was at the door, just catching me while I was exiting, "Shuichi, are you alright?"

I nodded quickly with the bottle to my mouth, determined to end the conversation there. It wasn't easy, while turning to see Tohma standing right there in front of his new car. I guess I was supposed to get inside, which I would do with little complaint. I didn't like hiding myself underneath ten items of clothing to go unseen with bright pink hair. Sometimes it didn't work out in my favor. Yuki used to pick me up after that started happening. I guess that didn't matter now either.

The car started after a long moment of silence passed. Thank god. I didn't particularly accept the greeting, or greet back. A gloved hand had waved at me. I opened the door on the opposite end and buckled myself in. If he was going to drive us off a cliff, I'd like to make sure my body won't suspend itself out the windshield. My fingers drummed against the top of my knees as I waited for Tohma to join me. The door finally opened.

"That was a very interesting performance." I rolled my eyes at him, paying more attention to the trees, than to the present situation. "Want to tell us all how you really feel?"

There was a hint of sarcasm in his voice, it made me cringe at my mistake. I was too obvious, but he wasn't going to use it against me, was he? I laughed lamely, "Ha-ha."

I was sarcastic back at the boss, feeling no superior alarm in doing so.

"By the way," He started, which only had me reeling with thoughts of jumping out of the car. "I hadn't given much thought to the dilemma with our room, so I had the staff move in an extra bed." I felt my breathing become shallow, my heart relieved by this. It would have just been easier to pay for an extra room, but this was good. "However, the beds had to be pushed together due to the small complexity of the room. I'm hoping this is okay with you."

"It's not like I have much of a choice. You were nice enough to pay for my lodgings. There's no room to be picky, but since we're on the topic, yes. I do have a problem with that. Though, if you truly cared about my opinion, you would have just told me before making a decision by yourself, so really the forum discussion is a bit redundant, isn't it?" I turned my head towards him, but refused to look at him. I was being ballsy and even more so as the silence continued to allow it, "I'm not sorry for that outburst."

"It's really nothing to blush over." I could hear him laugh short. "Unless you were thinking that perhaps I was interested in something other than your musical talents."

Ashamed, I could feel my cheeks grow hot, just when I was about to argue that I wasn't blushing. Oh, that's priceless. I'd make a quick recover, "As if I would think of you that way. You're the president of NG…It's laughable just thinking of you as anything else."

I was relieved when we pulled up to the entrance of the hotel, in a rush to beat Tohma to the room so I could take my shower in peace. He was too busy handing his keys off so that his car could be parked safely in the back parking garage. When I reached the doors I patted at my jeans, searching for a good five minutes, until I realized that I don't have the access card to the room. That was fantastic. I let my forehead hit the door and rest there. I was exhausted.

"Shindou-san…" Tohma breathed, close to me now. I could feel the heat radiating from his skin against my back. I must've dozed off for a few moments. I watched pale, thin fingers reach over beside me and swipe the card carefully, causing the door to unlock. No matter how badly I wanted to turn around or move, I couldn't. My hands were numb as well, unable to lift and twist the stupid handle. Tohma did this of course, but I didn't expect his hand to go to my lower back. I jumped away from his touch, falling onto the floor with a gasp. I squint open an eye at him, obviously in pain and slightly embarrassed. It was scary how calm he could be, with a voice soft and without general care about my fall, "You really are interesting."

This wasn't getting any better, in fact I could only see it becoming worse.

* * *

TBC

The song used is by a Japanese rock band called ViViD, the song is called '69-II'. Please feel free to look it up on youtube! They're actually a super good band. Thank you all for your patience. This month has been very difficult for me, but do not fear. I keep my promises. I will finish this story.

Ano - Well...  
Daijoubu - Are you okay?  
Usagi - Bunny


	3. W o r d s

**APOLOGY - **GUYS! I'm extremely sorry for how long it's taken me to update this... It's kind of ridiculous now that I think about it. There should be no excuse to leave this story hanging. There was a lot of drama with the internet, as well as real life. I will try to update in a timely fashion from now on! This is a promise of a lifetime. SO HANG IN THERE! *mutters* goddamn it...

**Shadowfox13: **Thank you very much! I'm glad that you're enjoying the new Shuichi! I think he needed an attitude adjustment. You do have a point. Maybe it would be smart to involve the characters more. You've given me ideas, Shadow!

**midnight13731:** Oh my! That is amazing... I hope my long long break didn't interfere with your promise to me. We'll see after this update (within those 3 days that you have so humbly informed me of) I'm really happy that you're enjoying this story. I'm all sorts of flattered by your compliments. Thank you again!

**totalamuto: **Wow! That's awesome haha Thank you for spending your entire night reading this. I'm sorry for whatever you felt the following morning. I hope to see you around! Thanks.

* * *

Chapter Three: _Without Words  
Without a word love leaves me..._

The absurdity of this situation was just starting to sink in when I looked at the bed adjoining my own. This was where Tohma would sleep, just mere inches away from my half? That was more unsettling than the chair. It was much closer and that was most likely the problem. I'd prefer it if Tohma wasn't in the room period, but now wasn't the time to be picky. I always had these disturbing repetitive dreams about Tohma secretly being the cousin of Nosferatu, preying upon the innocent while they're asleep. I bet he'd even have his own creepy entrance melody. I think of various elevator tunes tied together into one song… That's it.

_You've always wanted to drain my blood, that's something you can't deny, Tohma…_

I looked over towards the small kitchenette, watching the blond contemplate recipes in his head. It wouldn't have been so bad if he wasn't wearing a house apron. I suddenly felt manly, which was oddly comforting for the new Shuichi. No longer would I put up with being the girl. It was just humiliating, though at the time I felt what the English would call 'valiant'. I was dressing like a female justifiably. Yes, at least that's what I boast about these days when such topics came up.

"I do hope you're up for eating, Shuichi…" I blinked once upon hearing the informal greeting. What happened to Shindou-san? I liked that better. "I'm going to make something I learned while traveling all over the world. I visited different countries and was introduced to their cultures. Doesn't that sound exciting?"

I could almost hear his smile. "Yeah, sounds exhilarating…Do you need any help?"

What the hell was he doing learning other cultures? Sure it sounded cool, but aren't we exotic enough. In any case, I just hope I could manage to stomach whatever new foods would be making its way into my stomach this evening. My distrust alone was making it difficult already. He was the type of man who could mysteriously get away with something horrible, then tells you, and your friends about it in a gallant wayward accent. Maybe I was being too hard on the boss, but I still had zero reason to like, or trust him.

I was about to comment on what seemed to be plain ordinary spaghetti, when the doorbell rang. The blond was too distracted with the softening noodles to notice, so I decided to venture my way over towards the door. It was an oddly long hallway, at least that's the excuse I was giving the person on the other side of the door, who was now ringing the bell with determination. I told them to give me a second, but apparently that was just too damn long. I swung opened the door with annoyance, glaring hotly at the woman standing there. It didn't take me long to recognize Mika, Tohma's wife and Yuki's older sister.

_Well, this is lovely…_

Steely blue eyes shot right through me. It was a 'hello' that I've always received in the presence of Yuki's bloodline. It almost pained me to see even the slightest resemblance of my former lover. This time was different though, since the Ice Queen looked vulnerable, and quite impatient. I was beginning to wonder why she wasn't surprised to see me here shacked up with her husband. She couldn't care less at the moment, as she pushed past me and headed straight towards what had been considered Tohma's sanctuary for the past half hour.

"Good to see you again…" I breathed lowly before she was completely gone, letting the door slowly close and click shut on its own. It didn't really matter if she heard me or not, since she was most likely inclined to not answer. I felt like I was all over the place at this point and without a room to comfortably relax in. I could hear everything in the small space. I could always leave in order to respect their privacy. Intruding was pretty damn rude.

I walked into the bedroom and searched by bag for my jacket. I threw my scarf in every which way, letting the long knitted material droop about. The matching hat would do me good amongst the busy crowds. Hopefully I wouldn't be noticed tonight. I tugged at a few pink choppy bangs, concealing my eyes. I grabbed for my keys, not feeling them in my pockets where I had placed them. They probably fell out of my jacket last night when I fell through the door. It was embarrassing really, to even save that as a memory.

"What do you mean, 'Why are you here?' Tohma!" It was easy to identify the tone of disparity in a female's voice. Perhaps that's why I've never really liked women. It was a little depressing in way. I could understand a woman's heart and maybe that was yet another conclusive reason as to why dating women would be difficult for me. It would be a lot like dating myself. That was a scary thought right there.

"It's a coherent question, Mika…and since you can recite it so well, you should also be able to answer it just as promptly." Tohma was obviously keeping his voice at level. It was just in time to execute his subtle insult, though I couldn't understand why he wasn't treating his wife with the utmost respect. I guess it was safe to assume that she had done something.

I heard her take in a shaky breath first, "I'm here, because my husband decided to run off in the middle of the night. You can't end an argument like that, Tohma. It doesn't mean that it's over. It only implies that it'll be discussed at a later time. I am your wife, not one of your employees!" Her heels clacked against the kitchen tiles. I could see her in my head, moving close to one of the most unobtainable persons on the planet. "I need you to explain your words to me clearer, because I don't think you were in your right mind when you said them."

"Not here, Mika. Let's discuss it over lunch tomorrow-" The rest of the sentence didn't make it out of his mouth, as the sharp slap resounded loudly in my ears. I couldn't stop my legs from moving upon the injury. I didn't have the courage to actually make myself apparent, but I stepped close enough to see Tohma, whose face was now flushed of color and kept turned to the side. He only just started to slowly look over at her. "Fine...have it your way. "

She crossed her arms over her chest, grasping her forearms for support. I could tell that her entire body was shaking.

"Our relationship is over. I told you many years ago that you mustn't fall in love with me, but I could tell that your resolve is weakening. You can't pretend to not love me anymore." He reached out to touch her and much to my surprise, she allowed it. Long pale fingers cupped the left side of her face. She was probably about to cry, since his fingers traced there gently. "I'm sorry, but I feel like I'm sparing your heart if I let you go. I never wanted to hurt you."

"Liar…" she whispered, her head moving away from his touch. "T-Tohma, you…you liar!" He caught her wrist before she could slap him once more. Her body stilled when he pulled her against his chest. She seemed captured, despite the fact that it was Tohma who was being accused at the moment. He didn't seem to care about her tears, even if he did say otherwise.

"I'll say it again. It's over."

_'Yuki…please…please…'_

"Tohma…" I closed my eyes, listening to her voice tremble, not wanting to hear it. I even turned myself away. "You'll regret this decision." Of course it couldn't have just been a 'please, please'. I almost forgot who we were dealing with here. She lost her footing, as Tohma roughly gave back her arm.

The conversation was obviously meeting its end, so I decided that now was the appropriate time to pretend like I was never here at all. Of course I chose to leave when the room was completely silent. If tension had a sound there would be trumpets blaring. I took a single step backwards, and it was that step alone that gave me away, though I had the feeling that Tohma knew I had been there the entire time.

"And may I ask where you think you're going?" Damn it. I walked in as casually as I could, trying not to make my uneasiness too obvious.

I shrugged my shoulders, "No where really."

"That's why you're bundled up and searching for your misplaced keys?" I froze in my next step. Did he have my keys? I felt like a deer caught in the headlights. I couldn't really understand how he was having this conversation with me right in front of a very hurt and confused Mika. She hadn't even moved, still standing there with her back faced towards me.

"Can I please have them?" I was hopeful.

He shook his head, blue eyes amused now. "Definitely not. We eat first."

I didn't have any actual intentions of eating whatever spaghetti mystery Tohma was making. He moved around his wife, grabbing for plates and adding ingredients. She eventually took the hint to leave, clutching her bag, but not before stopping in front of me.

"Enjoying yourself?" She could have meant plenty of things by that. It was true. I had a way of 'wooing' the same sex, and perhaps I came off as a threat to poor Mika. I wonder if she would believe me if I told her that I had no interest in Tohma. It would be a shame on her part to even think that way, what with him trying to get rid of me all of those times in the past.

Was I supposed to realize that he was akin to a God, both cruel and merciful? No.

It was her fault for whatever misconception that she was currently implying: I'm not Tohma's plaything, nor will I ever be.

I answered truthfully. "I don't think I've ever enjoyed being around this guy much."

Tohma's head perked up upon hearing my words, as he walked towards the table I was currently seated at, giving me a pointed look. "We'll be discussing that later."

Oh, we sure would. I see a bottle of Moet & Chandon with my name on it. Nothing like a few glasses of imperial wine to get the ball rolling with a night filled of honest emotions.

"I wonder what your precious Eiri will think about this..." Mika trailed off thoughtfully, while she headed towards the door and left without muttering another threat.

"Ah~" Tohma let out a long sigh, scooping the noodles onto the plates. "Eiri isn't so precious lately, is he?" Before I could agree with him, he slammed the silverware down. Here I thought he was immune to Mika, when he obviously wasn't pleased. "I'm sorry if Mika's words bothered you…in truth, she has a kind heart."

"Are you sure she'll be kind to you anymore…" I poured myself a glass of wine, neglecting his glass. Why the hell was I even speaking about the topic? What even gave me the right? This was my boss. I closed my eyes, waiting for it. "I'm sorry, that was wrong to say."

He ignored it, taking a seat across from me. "So, you don't enjoy yourself around me?"

"You're my boss." I sipped fast, something you most definitely should not do when drinking wine.

"And also the keyboardist of Nittle Grasper, your favorite band in case you forgot." As if I could forget the reason why I picked up a microphone…"Your favorite has always been Ryu-san, hm?" The alcohol was starting to hit me at this point, which really wasn't good. In spite of that fact, I sipped my fourth glass smoothly. "Perhaps you should slow down..."

"Perhaps not, sir." My eyebrow twitched then and I became angry with myself. How could I have ever possibly accepted help from _this_ guy? _This _guy! "I want to talk to you about the past. I want to know why you made it so difficult for me. I tried my best to deliver quality music-"

He laughed short. "Tried your best? You must be joking with me. Your best was when you weren't crying your eyes out over something petty. Your best was when you weren't being selfish. I had to rent every session at the recording studio. I was charged for_ time_ and most of the _time_ you wouldn't even bother showing up. No…" He narrowed his furious ocean eyes, his tone going deep. "You would spend all of your time sulking at home over Yuki. The genius in me knew that you would need Kei-san as a manager otherwise you would have quit the band awhile ago or simply not shown up to bookings. Did _that_ love mean so much to you, while your band, your career, and your life meant so little? You were pathetic and yet I was supposed to let it slide? It was a lot bigger than your emotional sensitivity, _still_ is."

I sat there for awhile, ashamed because I hadn't seen my own faults, at least not from his point of view anyway. Each problem I had seemed so urgent and delicate at the time. I thought I would literally explode from the heartache I felt back then. It wasn't healthy and I could agree to that, but our love was never healthy, it just appeared natural. This wasn't all about me and my misconduct. He did have some feeling for Yuki. Let's consider their intimate past. There was no way that even Tohma's and Yuki's relationship was in anyway normal.

"You were protecting Yuki back then. The only way you could do that was to get rid of me. Were you thinking about business then?" I stared back, unsure of what compelled me to say it. The tall bottle of wine grasped firmly in my hand had everything to do with it. I poured myself another glass. "You were only thinking of him."

"Of course I thought of Eiri. Stop insinuating things that you know nothing about Shindou-san."

"Ah, there we go. Now the conversation is the way it should be." My fingers tightened around the glass. I thought it would break underneath my stress. "Just who the hell do you think you are anyway? Why are you so complex…Why did you say those things to Mika? Do you not care about what she thinks or her heart? When you love someone you're supposed to protect them even after the end!"

He dabbed at his mouth with the napkin next to his plate. The action was calm and deliberate. "This isn't about what Yuki did to you-"

"Be quiet! I'm sick of your words..." My chair fell over when I stood up, both of my hands braced down on the table. I tend to get a little loud, even sometimes overreact at this point. "Do you think just because you're polite that your words don't affect others? Even if you say it softly, those words can hurt like a jagged edge. Your weird hypnotic eyes, nice-guy smile, and your stupid feathery jackets. They're all so stupid. You're just a…bag of pretty and it doesn't mean anything! You're a horrible two-faced no-good jerk! I resent you for helping me at all."

"I advised you to stop drinking." That was his only comeback? My body shook violently, as tears wracked through me. It was uncontrollable now, as I collapsed pitifully to the floor. It didn't take long for Tohma to grasp both of my shoulders and help me to my feet. I wasn't prepared to be slammed against the wall behind me. Tohma was angry and for once, something like that was seriously alarming, but he was double at the moment, and even the room had spun.

_Sometimes he managed to look like Yuki…_

_Yuki…_ I wonder what would happen if I ran back to right now, the stupid sloppy that I am, and always will be. What would you do if I were that brave? I closed my eyes to imagine.

_I want to taste your rare kind smile…_

_Just one more time…_

Warm, soft lips touch mine. A velvet tongue slides in as I gasp audibly. You are slow and precise about it, Yuki. I might float away if you keep holding me so close. Your body is heavy against mine. You're grasping my face into your hands, keeping me still as you kiss each lip, suckling and tugging. I could feel your fingertips stroke along the sides of my neck, skimming and feeling. Forgive me for being immobile, but I can't move. Not with you like this… Do you take me back then? Is this real?

I breathed in, exhaling out. Ne, _Yuki…_have you always kissed me gently like this? Did you always taste this good. I was so used to tobacco, I almost forgot anything else.

You seem happy with me for once. I was able to move my arms to twine around you like vines. You responded with a soft moan, kneading your tongue at my top lip, before taking it into your mouth. I felt a little helpless, not that I'd try to resist you. You've always been a forceful individual, so I'm used to this familiar abuse. I was used to your words, your touches, your teeth. Why were you treating me this way?

Were your eyes really cold that time or were they always warm topaz? Liquid gold?

My eyes fluttered open to see you, but everything is so blurry. Yuki's fingers, skilled and calloused, were sliding over my lower stomach. His hands were warm this time, something impressively delightful. I was so used to everything being so ice cold. That's all I could remember, cool icy touches. I wondered if the first time was the only time it held any meaning. He kissed me to shut me up, of course, but this was because he wanted me.

"Yuki…"

A soft gasp. It all stopped.

My head fell back, as I'm pulled forward into his arms. I felt weightless, being carried to bed. The sheets were comfortable and warm in no time. He took great care in removing my heavy winter clothing. Each layer that came off was blissful relief. He left me in my undershirt and boxers, before climbing into bed next to me. My tears had yet to dry. I only noticed when I felt his fingers brush over the right side of my face, moving me towards him.

Tohma stilled his hands in their movement. His lips were tingling and his head was completely blank of what was a very idiotic mistake.

"Good night, Shuichi."

* * *

TBC


	4. U n d e r w a t e r

For whatever reason, deleted all of my comments to my reviewers. I will update this ASAP. I'm sorry.

* * *

Chapter Four: Underwater

My nerves were starting to get the best of me again. I hated feeling this way after a live, though it was partially my fault for having not eaten something. I knew better, but I also knew that I'd feel even sicker if I had anything in my stomach. I didn't get much sleep, since last night I had such an odd dream that I woke up nearly instantly. It was impractical, which wasn't all too surprising since I drank before sleeping, but this one took the cake. Instead of being kissed by Yuki, I was kissed by Tohma. The thought itself was enough to make me feel sick all day.

_At least Tohma is decent…_I slapped the side of my head, **hard**. It was easy for anyone to be more pleasant than Yuki, even a blood thirsty lion.

I was so deep in thought that I didn't even acknowledge Hiro's presence. I couldn't even remember when he sat down next to me. It was the soft hum of the guitar that knocked me out of disturbingly engrossed stupor. After his guitar was tuned he started playing the sounds of what I liked to refer to as: Ayaka pisses me off, so I will play senseless music until I realize that maybe I don't like when the whole room is looking at me with tormented confused gazes.

Throwing him a lifesaver, "How's it going, Hiro?"

"Can you please tell me why you're sleeping with the President of NG?" It was so blunt that I nearly fell over. The tasteless way he put it was enough to make blood violently shoot out of my nose. How the hell could he even assume such a thing? I felt myself go into defensive neko mode straight away.

The claws are out! "Are you kidding me? That guy? I would never think of doing anything with him. He was just being hospitable since I'm not living with Yu~ki!" Ah, hell I said it with that whiney octave. This wasn't good. "That's gross! Have you seen his gloves? He's a creepy surgeon or something, and he probably looks at knitting patterns all day…"

He focused his brown eyes on me, narrowing them. "You could have stayed with me. How come I had to hear of this secondhand? We're best friends, Shuichi." His facial expression softened. "I still wished I could have heard it from you. Promise me you'll tell me if you're in trouble next time."

I was obviously wrong about that jingle. He was obviously playing a pretty ballad called: Shuichi is the biggest idiot in the world and I'm going to keep playing violently hard until he's stupid enough to interrupt my playing.

"I promise."

"My cousin sure is a nice guy," Fujisaki waved, inviting himself into the conversation. He took a seat across from us, grabbing for bottled water. "How has it been staying with him? Tohma's cooking is talked about within the family." He even added a smile at the end.

When the silence filled the room instead of an answer, both of my band mate's eyes slicked comically with suspicion. They really couldn't think of anything else, could they? Apparently, I needed no time to get over Yuki and just sprung my way into bed with Tohma. I supposedly threw all inhibitions out the window and slept with my boss. If only I had the nerve to make love that demeaning. I would be over Yuki already and set up with some well-off guy, one who definitely wasn't Tohma Seguchi.

"Two guys can't live under the same roof now?" I tried my best not to be irate, but I was especially emotional right now, which was a relief since I had felt hallow just yesterday. "He's our boss and that is why nothing would ever happen. I don't even see Seguchi-san that way."

I rolled my eyes at their snickering, grabbing for the remote, and turning the television on. I hated waiting on Kei-san to get the bus around the venue lot. He was probably being chased by screaming fan girls. It was easy to imagine them all, flailing their arms about, and hanging onto the back bumper. Knowing Kei, he would probably screech around making donuts until they're all shaken off.

An amusing, yet unsettling thought...

"Just this morning it was announced that Tohma Seguchi and his wife are calling it quits!" My eyes widened as I stared on at the female news anchor, who was saying this all with quite the convincing tone. "President Seguchi had little to say when he and his lawyers were exiting the courtroom, where the divorce had been put into immediate effect."

It was Fujisaki who had taken the controls from my loose grasp and finally turned off that woman's projected face, and nonsense. "Tohma and Mika…" I could tell that the young keyboardist was definitely hurt to hear about his cousin suddenly and most shockingly filing for divorce. I too was facing the same problem. It made little sense to me even after I saw them in the kitchen, arguing and knowing that it was over.

"O-Okay, I have secured the vehicle," Kei was at the door, long blond tendrils coming down in the front of his face. His breathing was ragged and I could see the slight shimmer of perspiration just above his brow. "Let's go. I would like to be back at the office in approx-prox- imately…ten…twenty…" He waved his gun about. "…come on."

Hiro placed his hands on his knees, standing up. "Yeah, no problem."

It was silent on the way to the van, in the van, and the entire duration on the ride back to NG's headquarters. What made the dreary situation worse was the hard pitter-pattering on the hood, a heavy downpour to our recent confusion. I had been daydreaming of a large grumpy cloud swallowing up the whole building. I wasn't surprised at all to see it still perfectly intact.

"Shuichi," Kei turned in the front passenger seat to look at me. Sakano-san was nervously at the wheel, anxious of the thick rain, and having to drive in general. I didn't allow that mildly hazardous factor to bother me, as I met a serious Kei, whose pistol was now pointed in my face. "You probably already heard from that ignorant news reporter about the President's recent dilemma. He wants to see you in his office. I ask that you do not inquire about what was said on the television today."

It took everything in me not to gawk at him. As if I would! Begrudged, I grabbed my bags and followed behind my band mates, who were both giving me concerned looks now. They seemed apologetic almost, that I would have to face this bizarre storm. I knew how to do it though, since I've defeated a hurricane or two in my day. Nothing could be worse than the past and this was just a light drizzle. Who knows what Tohma wanted? It could be to ask me how the show went or if I'd like Chicken Alfredo tonight.

I was hoping the latter, since I felt like I was now walking the plank. Beneath the thin shaky wooden board, awaited hungry sharks who loved feasting upon boys with florescent pink hair…

Kei-san didn't even offer any backup! I swallowed thickly, as I raised my hand up and knocked softly against the door to Tohma's office. His response to 'come in' was hardly audible. I walked in, practically shoving apprehension aside where it needed to damn well stay. I couldn't let Tohma know that I knew. I couldn't act differently, yet I could already tell that my eyes were probably growing more remorseful by the second as I took in his figure standing by the window.

His right hand was in his suit pocket, as he leaned against the glass, watching the rivulets of rain slide down, collecting more water, and making small paths. I could see his pale reflection from where I stood, and he seemed completely withdrawn. The contents on his desk only proved that he had a rough morning and rightfully so…A pack of Lucky cigarettes, a wine opener, and an envelope opener jabbed into his calendar, and I don't think the calendar stabbed itself (though _Seppuku_ sounded like a good idea right about now – just saying) It was painful to see him this way and I couldn't fathom why. I didn't care much for this man, but why now?

The half a bottle of wine was hidden in plain sight. I wondered if he cared that this could get him into a lot of trouble if seen by the wrong person. I took a seat in the chair that was always usually uncomfortable to me. I've been told various good news and bad news while sitting here. I tried to make the best out of an awkward situation. I had to literally bite my tongue to keep myself from apologizing about his horrible day. I was that kind of person, but what right did I have to comment on someone's relationship, when mine was now beyond wrecked.

Tohma turned away from the dull gray scenery and finally looked at me. I was unable to meet his eyes, knowing that I would instantly become captured by them. "I need to leave the office for a bit. I might be home late, so I asked the hotel to bill me whatever it is you order for dinner tonight, and before you say anything, I insist."

It was impossible to deny him, especially now. "Thank you. That's very kind of you, Seguchi-san." I noticed that his head moved a little at my response. Regardless, I kept my eyes on his vest, taking notice to the elegant Victorian detail.

He let out a tired sigh, his voice unrecognizable, and demanding, "Look at me."

I did as he asked, not fully prepared to see two deep pools of blue. I couldn't look away even if I was implored to…He was still soft, yet terrifying. Tohma was a powerful man and now he was vulnerable. It was the first time that I had noticed something that I didn't care enough to see before, that Tohma was enigmatically beautiful, and I allowed myself to be enchanted by that truth, as well as captivated by he, himself.

"You may leave now…" He said coolly, releasing me from the spell once his ocean eyes looked away from my now startled expression. What the hell just happened? I was going crazy. I bowed low to him, still slightly dazed, and walked out without saying another word. All I had to do now was forget. Sadly, that was something I hadn't quite mastered yet.

Kami-sama, give one good reason why I shouldn't be glad that he's hurt…

_Just give me one…_

* * *

I walked through the considerably spacious lobby of the Sunshine hotel and stood up at the reception counter. The woman came out from the back office and was all too delighted to see me. I just wanted to sleep and end this long exhausting day. I was returning a lot later than I thought which was all thanks to Hiro and his love for spontaneous late night drinking. I didn't even know Fujisaki could handle that much sake, yet he appeared more sober than both Hiro and I, which is saying a lot.

I smiled sleepily at her, ready to crash, "Tohma had suggested that you bill him for my meal. I won't be ordering anything this evening, so if you could please cancel the reservation for me…" And I was more than willing to leave the conversation right there, but the woman's face was eager to tell me something more. This was a die hard fan of both Bad Luck and Nittle Grasper, so I could only imagine.

"Uhm," she laughed a little, not sure if she should say whatever it is that is practically dribbling from her lips. I really wished she'd just say it. "Eiri Yuki came by to see you. I told him your room number and gave him a keycard. I figured that since you were running late for your dinner arrangements that he shouldn't have to wait down here."

I blinked a few times, letting the news hit me. It hit hard.

"Thank you…" I didn't know what else to say. Yuki was here? My chest tightened instinctively. I couldn't breathe, not with Yuki here. I could always leave and not see him? Tohma would come home to Yuki, then? No. Yuki being here is my fault. Mika threatened that this would happen and now it has. For whatever moronic reason, I couldn't let a single thing cause more distress to Tohma this evening.

And seeing Yuki…

I nearly sprinted to the stairway, ignoring the attention I was gaining as I rushed myself up three flights of stairs without a breath. In a hotel, there should be no need to use the steps unless there's a fire. This was hell at the moment, for me anyway. My heart was racing in my ears, pounding to the beat of every push of my sneakers. I didn't want to see him. I didn't miss him. Those feelings don't belong to me anymore and if he's waiting to see me suffering, he may be disappointed by what he finds instead.

I was given time to panic as I greeted an empty hallway. My hands were shaking, as I retrieved the keycard from my pocket and brought it to machine beside the knob. It was almost like being underwater. The crashing waves had finally collapsed over me, since it's become too much to bear. I always believed that time stops, as everything slows down in the blue weightless abyss. Being with Yuki, it's always been that overwhelming feeling of being completely submerged and taken by the tide.

My hand slid from the knob, before I grasped it tightly and twisted it open. He could have left after all, but I knew that I wouldn't be that lucky. I acted as if his presence was a surprise to me. I just hoped that he couldn't see my pulse fluttering from wherever he would be upon my entering the room. I heard the chair scoot in from the kitchen and I headed there slowly. There was no difference between dreaming and reality right now. How many times did I want exactly this while I was heartbroken? To be chased after, sought after, and kept.

The reality is that there's a limit to staying beneath the ocean. Eventually, you're going to run out of air. Even a dream has to end.

"Shuichi…" Yuki's voice, always deep, always defined. I let my eyes close upon the murmur, no longer sure if I could face him properly. "Do you care to explain to me why you've been sleeping here…with Tohma." It wasn't a question. This was typical Yuki. He doesn't like waiting either. It was odd though, having to answer a basic question, as did Mika when it was Tohma in my position. I wasn't brave like Tohma though, so I would try not to insult Yuki.

"I had no place else to go and Tohma saw me that night you kicked me out and offered me a place to stay. I assumed it would only be for the night, but it's for a month." I finally made my way into the room, unable to look anywhere else but him. He was his usual attractive self, complete with blond choppy hair, cold dark golden eyes, and thin-lined lips. He was even wearing his glasses, on the table a newspaper was left disheveled with a group of magazines.

He had waited awhile. "It didn't take you long to find someone else, Shuu." I didn't respond to the pet name, which only encouraged him to continue on with tormenting me. "Who are we kidding? It's always going to be Yuki for you, isn't it? You can't last without me, even if the person was Tohma, he'd just remind you of me. Everything you see and do must always trace back to me, doesn't it?" He started to casually advance towards me, but I couldn't move. My entire body ached now. "I threw you away and that must've made you question your worth."

I finally managed to take cautious steps backwards, shaking now at how close he was, how clearly I could see those dangerous eyes, and cruel lips. "Yuki, whatever it is…you can't hurt Tohma, because of me…You can't come here again. It's over between us and I've accepted it. I don't need nor want you back in my life."

"It's over?" He smirked a little at this, watching on knowingly. I hadn't noticed the wall there, as I bumped into it. My mind was reeling, only inches away from Yuki. I turned just as his arm closed in, his hand pressed against the surface beside my head. He tested the words on his lips again, "It's over…I would really like to see you live up to those words. I don't think it's true. I think that even now you're doubting yourself."

"Tohma and I are none of your concern," I trembled through near chattering teeth, when he grabbed my chin between his fingers, holding me firmly. I stared through wide eyes at his aggression, feeling the tears swelling along my lower lashes.

"Since when do you say his name like that…" He whispered, our breaths mixing as one, he's so close to me. His eyes searched mine, as if noticing something that wasn't there before. The intrigue didn't last long, before his expression turned cold again, all except for that sly smirk. It took a lot to gain my strength, as my arms came up and pushed against his chest. I knew in the long run that it would be futile.

Overpowered, his strong arms wrapped around me and held me tight against him. I had little time to think, when he brought his lips to mine in a bruising kiss. I could feel myself crumbling, while dizziness filled my head, and I'm pulled up onto my toes. He was crushing me against the wall and between his body, swallowing each sob and gasp of discomfort and anger I let out during each caress of his lips.

I was sinking again…running out of air…

It felt like forever, until he pulled back, allowing me to get my precious intake of oxygen. I wiped at the sides of my face and turned so that my back was facing him. If he saw me cry, it would only give him satisfaction. I felt his chest against me, pressing me into the wall again, and successfully pinning me there. I was about to curse, when I felt his hands at my hip, squeezing there possessively. The warmth of his breath was at the back of my neck, breaking my skin out into goose-flesh.

"He can't give you anything I haven't already given you…" I could feel the tip of his nose brush along the shell of my ear, his lips following soon after. It took everything in me not to shudder. "…and there isn't anything he can take away that I haven't already stolen." My body stilled, feeling his hands at my backside, grabbing me through my shorts, before going to the front where I struggled, gasping into the quiet room. Yuki's hands were rubbing over me in slow deliberate motions, proving his point time and time again.

"Yuki…stop…" My eyes squeezed tightly, feeling him capture my small wrists in one hand, keeping them at my lower back. "…please…"

"Pathetic," he laughed short against my ear, ridiculing me. The door slammed in the other room, causing Yuki to halt in his ministrations, even to move away from me completely.

Tohma called through the hall that adjoined our room, "Shuichi, I'm back." He looked up once he hit the kitchen, turning on the light to see Yuki standing there, and me practically hugging the wall. "Eiri, what brings you here so late?" I noticed the hint of ice laced in Tohma's voice when he asked, and I wondered if he had somehow heard everything.

"I suppose I felt like patching up loose ends." He made sure to look directly at me when he said this, before he collected his jacket, and brushed past Tohma. He didn't move an inch and his eyes were still looking forward as if an apparition of Yuki were there.

"How thoughtful of you, Eiri…" Tohma's eyes narrowed, waiting for the door to click shut once Yuki left, to unclench his fists. "Shin-Shuichi…are you alright?"

I nodded slowly, not knowing if that was the honest truth. I was still crying and my trembling hadn't seized. Too many things happened and I hadn't even started to digest them. My heart probably wasn't going to slow down anytime soon. I fixed my shirt and started to make my way towards the bedroom, when Tohma reaches his arm out to take my arm. I allow him to pull me back in front of him. I stood there, small and weak. I was just as Yuki said I was, and I hadn't changed, and I doubt I ever would. Yuki knew me too well.

"So, how long were you listening?" I asked sheepishly, after awhile of silence. I stared up at him, reading his face, and receiving my answer. He had heard everything, which only made me feel even worse. Now he knows that I'm this type of person. This weak stupid person! I covered my mouth and attempted to move past him again, when his long arms closed around me, and held me gently against his chest.

He slid his hand down slowly, causing chills to go up and down my spine. I tried breaking away, but he only held me closer. I decided to give up the charade for now and to stop fighting it. This was me surrendering. If he wanted to hold me, I'd let him just for now. I returned the embrace, as if I were drowning. My short nails dug into his back, as I held onto him like he was the last chance of coming up for air.

_ Arigatou…Kami-sama…_

* * *

TBC


	5. M i s i n t e r p r e t

**A/N: **Sorry for the lack of commenting on the commenting last post, since fanfiction dot net decided to erase them? Which I think is both rude and really weird. I will make up for it in this post. So, here we go!

**midnight13731** - Hey! Thank you very much for your reviews. I enjoy receiving them! You do always review so quickly x_x I love it. AND I am very happy that you giggled. I feel that it's something that should be done every chapter. Keep adoring it!

**fan girl 666** - Thank you! And thanks for reading and reviewing. I know it's a pain, but it's seriously good stuff! It puts me on turbo update blast.

**HanabiKage** - Oh, ho ho ho! You're telling me? I know what you mean. I was never really inclined to write Shuichi x Tohma, either. I guess this story was fate! I'm really happy that you're enjoying the genre now XD A lot of windows to sexiness have been opened for you! Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. It means a lot to me!

**Shadow Kitsune67** - Yes, that obsession of his was really truly creepy, wasn't it? Let's tone it down with some unrealistic realistic writing! Thank you very much for reviewing! I hope you keep reading and keep enjoying what I post.

**irok2hard **- Firstly, I love your name. You do rock too hard! And you make perfect sense to me my dear! I feel bad for Shuichi too. He's a sad character throughout the entire

* * *

Chapter Five: _Misinterpret _

I really enjoyed going out during the winter, in fact, I lived for it. I loved the bitter cold. For some reason the air always seemed clean, like the only obtainable instance of purity. I knew right off the bat that I was going to get drunk. Poor Tohma probably didn't even know what he was in for when he invited me out. By this time, I felt like I had understood the chipper blond more than I did two months prior. It's not as if he had lightened up some, because he hadn't, at all. It was more like, I understand how Tohma is and isn't, and he didn't enjoy these kinds of packed crowds. So, what would be the catch of the evening?

It surprised me when Tohma suggested another month at the hotel. I was sort of relieved to be honest, since I loathed being a burden to anyone, especially Hiro, who claimed that I could simply 'crash' with him. That wasn't the truth whatsoever. Ayaka, the Big A, never allowed me to stay for too long, not that I blamed her. I could be a slob, and by that, I meant I could talk Hiro into drinking and disappearing for a couple of nights. I do a sloppy job at keeping my friends out of trouble, but at least now I kept my eyes dry. I even sometimes laughed in cynical glee at the person I was back then. It's been months, but it felt like decades, where I could just sit back and survey my former self and chuckle.

In any case, it wasn't cheap living at the hotel, but between Tohma and myself, it wasn't worse than what else was out there, and I wasn't particularly sure about how that made me feel. I wonder if I made it obvious that I hated living alone. I would never admit this to Tohma. I was so used to always having someone around. If I lived alone, I fear for what I might do, or think. I didn't hurt myself in any physical manner, but psychologically I fall down an inescapable dark hole. I even help myself down deeper along the way. I didn't like being depressed, but sometimes it felt really good, in many, many different ways.

And despite that factor, it hadn't been easier living with Tohma. It's not like we became fast friends after he did that little favor for me that night with Yuki. Not to mention that the guy is a complete neat freak and everything that I clean is never cleaned. The meals, I must say, have been the best that I've had in years, consistently anyway. If music was Tohma's first passion, then cooking was definitely his second, with cleaning a close third. He loved napping during the day, when he's home, and allowed to do so. He wasn't without a book when he slept, keeping it opened to his page on his rising and falling stomach.

Sometimes it would roll off, startling the hell out of me.

I did learn quite a lot now that I started to think about it. I even learned more than I wanted to, about Mika especially. She wasn't making this easy, even if it was officially over between them, or at least legally. I wondered why she would put herself in that type of situation anyway, to marry someone who didn't want, or need your love. That wasn't a relationship, yet she would have done anything for him to look at her as if she were precious to him. The reality didn't bother her, and yet it bothered the hell out of me.

I scanned the room. There was no sign of Tohma yet. He said he'd be joining after work. That should have been an hour ago. I shrugged, pushing my way through the mass of people, the smell of tobacco and mixed perfume filled my lungs in a non-too-subtle way. My face scrunched instinctively, as I practically shoved myself against the silver railing that incased the bar. I held on tightly, as I claimed a stool. I didn't wear a coat, something that I instantly regretted as the cool air kept sweeping across my bear arms.

Not even the accumulated body heat could save me from appending frostbite. I was dressed overly comfortable for the evening. I pulled down my long sleeves, while eye-signaling the bartender over. It's always wine and he knew it, so I couldn't understand the point of him strolling over here to ask what brand, when he knew that answer too. I grumbled out my response and tried settling back down. It was during these moments when I started to feel like I was on everyone's radar.

Thankfully, no one here was young enough to jam to Bad Luck, so in return, I wasn't bombarded by sloppy drunks.

"Shuichi s'great to s'see you…" My eyes widened, recognizing the voice, but in complete denial that it actually belonged to Tohma. I turned in my seat to see the blond standing there, his cheeks flushed, and clothing slightly disheveled. He looked completely lax in a scene where he definitely should be gripping his bearings, instead of letting go. He was beyond drunk. This was something I have never witnessed before, so much like approaching an unknown animal in the wild. I remained still and cautious.

"Did I make you wai't long?" He sat down next to me at the unoccupied stool. I shook my head slowly in disbelief. He waved his hand dramatically at the bartender and ordered himself a drink. Did he drive here? I wanted to ask him, but I wasn't in any position to scold him. I scooted my wine to the side and slapped my money down, ordering myself a soda once the bartender returned with Tohma's drink.

Oh well for getting smashed.

There were many foreigners here this evening, which I found to be very intriguing. I liked being in a situation that might be slightly difficult to comprehend-

I froze, feeling Tohma's arm go to my shoulder. He squeezed gently, as he turned me to face him. I stared blankly, as he leaned in, only for his head to droop down. Blond layers of silky hair fell with the motion. When he raised his face up to look at me, he was smiling wide. It wasn't real, it was more of a drunken grin, but for some reason it was causing me to smile back, even in my sour mood.

"There you go." He ruffled my hair, before returning to his drink. "There is no reason why the both of us shouldn't be at our best tonight." He completed that sentence without slurring. I was mildly impressed by this and hoped that the night would continue to sober him up, even if he was ordering yet another drink to follow up his first drink.

I watched as he fingered his suspenders, pulling them down off of his shoulders. He was getting very comfortable, whereas I was freezing my ass off.

"Mind if I borrow your jacket?" It was hanging off of the stool, so why not, right? He handed it over and I was delighted to feel its warmth. I shrugged further into the material and leaned myself into a cozy position. The smell that emanated from fabric was enough to make my head swim happily in its fumes. Tohma always smelled clean, like fresh laundry, and something else, something uniquely him.

I couldn't believe that Tohma wasn't defending his title as the impenetrable tight ass here...

When he received the second drink, he held it up proudly. I was surprised that he could even do _that _much in his current state. "This is to forgetting…" The words left as a whisper, barely audible in the loud chaotic room. I couldn't stop myself from glancing over at him with a sliver of sympathy. Tohma's once happy carefree façade was rewritten with one serious and deep. I couldn't let him drown like this, so I decided to also hold up my drink.

I clunk my glass with his, startling him from his trance, "Forgetting!"

After that, the night kind of lost its way making the wrong turn. Tohma was having the time of his life, but I couldn't imagine that it was his true self. Some older foreign man had taken a liking to my boss and much to my distaste, the blond accepted, if not encouraged this strange man to keep 'em coming. And they followed throughout the night, these foreigners. They buy Tohma drinks and follow him into the bathroom to watch him piss it out. I couldn't help myself from tagging along, weary of the way things were going thus far.

It was something out of the Twilight Zone. We perhaps found our way through an invisible portal, and we were not allowed to go back now, or ever.

For whatever reason, it was sort of unnerving to watch Tohma laugh in this man's company. I didn't start drinking, until they started getting touchy. It wasn't anything to get jealous over, not that I ever would be. It was very innocent...playful nudging, and pinching. No, forget what I just thought of, because there is nothing innocent about that. I impatiently looked at the large clock by the exit, and wondered if four hours was long enough to have lingered here for the night.

Despite every ounce of moral fiber that I had in me, I started to finish up another drink. I couldn't stand it anymore, being abandoned to then simply watch, as Tohma practically flirted up and down the bar ends. Was he trying to ruin the evening? It's not that I cared too much about my boss's sexual endeavors, but he was going to regret a lot come morning. I didn't want that to happen. That must be this feeling that I'm having. That must be why I'm getting this violent impulse to go over there and grab Tohma by his wrist, and drag him all the way out to the car.

_Jesus, fuck…_ I couldn't even lie to myself. At least, not properly…

I was jealous?

"Hello there," It was obviously a woman that kept that voice, but when I looked over, I wasn't too sure, frightened as I stared on at her, or him. "My name is Penelope, but my friends call me Pee-pee for short." I let my drink pour from my mouth back into my cup. I wasn't prepared for this conversation, not when she was making those eyes, and licking her lips. I wasn't on the damn dinner menu.

"Lovely to make your acquaintance..." I managed to get out, hit with scent of body odor from a night filled with sweaty dancing.

"Your little friend over there is having a good time with Patrick. He's my brother." I guess she took notice to me staring over there the whole time that Tohma disappeared. "I really think they're hitting it off." I didn't really care what the hell she thought. I was only interested in 'Patrick's' intentions. I also had to wonder if Tohma could be vulnerable in these kinds of situations. My view was then blocked by a man who must've been in his eighties, dress attire from the fifties, and dance moves from the now. I didn't want to go back generations to ask him to move, so I stood up and casually started to walk closer until I found a new empty seat.

"Well, that was rude!" Penelope posed two hands on her wide hips, before doing the annoying female hair whip, successfully getting me in the mouth. I choked slightly, "Oh, my God…Yeah! Welcome to Japan." She was already gone by the time I got my sentence out.

It was too late to go back to sober, so I slapped the top of the bar, signaling that it was time for another drink. It looked like an intense situation from my position. The man in front of Tohma wasn't pleased, that much was obvious. I decided not to insult the blond by running to his aid. Patrick looked over towards his sister, and I cringed as she pointed towards me. What the hell did I get myself into? Tohma and I both…

I watched as Patrick's large grimy hands grabbed Tohma's shirt and that was all I needed, as I quickly finished the contents of my drink and started to go towards where the scene was created. No one should touch the President and that's all I kept thinking, as I patted the much taller, muscular man who had been shaking Tohma just before I arrived. I couldn't contain the anger burning throughout my body, taking it upon myself to land the first punch hard against the line of his jaw.

Patrick stumbled only slightly, but it was enough to let go of Tohma.

I slapped the table, holding my fingers up, "Give me three shots, though it'll probably only take one." The bartender nodded anxiously, flipping over the small glasses, and pouring them for me. I quickly slammed the first shot down, pausing to throw the second fiery liquid directly into my opponent's eyes, which successfully stopped him from coming any closer. I just needed enough time to finish the third shot.

"You couldn't just be nice to my sister!" I anticipated this remark to be followed by a punch, when Tohma's small cry from the ground pained me. I decided to disallow the hit to land anywhere near me. The second hit, unfortunately met my mouth, leaving me stumbling. I blamed it mostly on the drinks doing their job. "She really liked you, Pinky!"

Tohma snorted at this, causing me to raise an eyebrow. He waved his hand from side to side, "Don't mind me. He called you, 'Pinky', sweetheart. Haven't I been dying to call you that?" My mouth completely dropped, watching Tohma take on this whole new persona in front of these people in order to save my ass.

"Sweetheart?" Penelope asked, looking between Toham and I. "You two are…"

Tohma liked to sound factual during these moments. "Oh, yes." Not that he ever had any of these creepy weird moments. What the hell was he doing? I stilled as Tohma brought himself up to his feet, and moved over towards me. He leaned in, cupping the side of my face with a gloved hand, rubbing there soothingly for good measure. "You're mine, aren't you Shuichi…" His blue eyes flashed, his lips in a thin line, as he licked them slowly. "Don't be shy to say it."

"Yes…" It was all I could do at the time, especially considering the situation. Penelope and Patrick were both convinced, and went quiet. That part of the night was easily forgotten anyway, when the newlyweds came bursting in through the door. I wondered to myself if this night was ever going to have an ending.

The bartender grabbed a coat from the hanger in the back, a book that was in the back closet, and stood on the top step separating the dining floor from the bar area. I wasn't going to believe that the bartender was a priest. There was no way in hell. I've seen far too much tonight. Just as I turned to leave, Tohma's hand reached out and grabbed onto the sleeve of the suit jacket. He couldn't be serious…He wanted to watch?

"Excuse me," a small voice came from behind. It was probably their son with the rings, no older than five years old. They were custom-made. It was easy to tell with the flowers and twine sticking about here and there.

It was incredibly light, even the ceremony was short. The couple standing there couldn't stop looking at one another. You could tell that it was a spontaneous act, otherwise the wedding wouldn't be here, in a place like this, or with people like us. Tohma's fingers had just slipped away from my arm. He looked engrossed, never looking away, not even once it was officially over. The kiss didn't seal it for Tohma and I could tell that he was watching the flames that the couple had to light, two small candles shaped like sakura petals that floated around in two separate glasses. It all seemed special, yet so simple.

"That's how I want to do it," I said in a desperate attempt to break the heavy silence. "Flower rings and all, even this ridiculous set up." I gestured towards where a crowd was forming by the couple. Of course only the bartender was listening, as he looked right at me with a grim expression. "I mean amazing set up. It was wonderful. The drinks hit me hard tonight." Alright, everything seemed to be fixed.

Tohma finally agreed to return to the hotel. I couldn't be any happier to fail going up the familiar flight of stairs. It was a hazard, yet I was already feeling terribly dizzy, so taking the elevator was out of the question. The woman at the front desk was thankfully respectable enough not to take any sort of scandalous photos, what with the way I was holding Tohma up by his waist, and practically carrying him bridal style just to get him to the top of this mountain.

We were teetering from side to side once we reached our floor. I had a firm hold on his slender hip, gripping hard as if this would make our steps more balanced. The small sound that emits from the action had my eyes widening. He was drunk, so of course Tohma was bound to make weird noises. My back met the door, pinned by Tohma, as he reached down into the pocket of the jacket that I was currently wearing. We were close, too close now, as I raised my hands up, allowing him to frisk me.

"I'm the one with the key," he murmured, retrieving it as he leaned in, his arm brushing my side as he unlocked the door. Even though this process took all of ten seconds, it had felt like long minutes. Why was Tohma trying to be alluring, why now? He pulled back, strands of his blond hair leaving my face as he does so, "Let's go to bed." That voice didn't even belong to him. Tohma's voice wasn't deep like that.

He watched me, intrigued as usual, or maybe just confused that I wasn't moving. This was so stupid! We hated each other. That was the logic we lived by! "I hate you." That wasn't too convincing. "I hate you a lot." Yeah, I think I got it that time. He narrowed his eyes at me, not at all amused by my sudden outburst. He closed me in against the door again, catching me by my arm before I could fall like I had done the last time he decided to something like this…

Was he being silent to scare me? I stumbled back as I roughly pulled myself free from him, bracing myself against the nearest wall. I was determined to get the point across. Now I was feeling hatred and I hated him passionately. He calmly placed his discarded gloves on the small table in the hallway, and watched with a hand tucked into his pocket. I couldn't read him and that was probably the most infuriating part about Tohma.

"I hate you!" My fists met the wall behind me. My legs were heavy as I slowly descended to the floor. He took this as an opportunity to approach, his shadow moving across the floor, as he stood just inches away.

"Do you hate me or do you really hate _him_?" He crouched down, covering his mouth as he stared, now deep in thought. I was afraid that he would see right through me if he kept doing that. "I'm going to tell you what I think the real reason for this tantrum is." Before I could react, he was between my legs. "The real person you hate is _yourself_." I let it sink in, speechless at his comment, yet my mind already considered, and digested the words.

"A shower only seems appropriate." I felt lifeless, as he helped me to my feet. I didn't like being silenced, but with such a complex response, I honestly couldn't say or do anything more. It was as though I was wandering, since I was terribly lost in the confusion of being broken. I was still broken, not that such a long relationship should take forever to get over, but…

Gentle, calloused fingers worked at the coat of his jacket, shedding me from it. He was careful about every movement, sliding my belt off through the loops. I cooperated, stepping out of my shoes, and allowing him to slide off my socks next. He seemed to know what he was doing, stripping me from my shirt. The bathroom tiles were cold and I couldn't anticipate the warm shower more than I was already.

The zipper on my jeans trailed down, as the button comes undone. They were fitted, Tohma found out, as he slid his pale fingers on the inside of each leg, and slowly inched them down. My body wracked with chills as a cool breeze hit my exposed skin. I was grateful that he left my boxers on. I wasn't quite sure on how I would have reacted if he hadn't.

"You're being quite ridiculous right now," Tohma sighed, going over towards the door once he was finished. "I don't like it, Shindou-san." He gripped the wooden frame. "If it's about Yuki…You won't be returning to him." Maybe it was true that I wouldn't, but that was all thanks to Tohma being my biggest distraction. I allowed my eyes to close shut, trying to believe his words.

"Finish undressing and come to bed." I opened my eyes and he was gone. Somehow I knew that he wouldn't sleep while I showered, but that he would instead wait patiently to make sure that I slept quietly first. It was difficult to hate him sometimes, even if I had been screaming it only moments prior. He was right and I didn't like to admit it.

I stepped under the showerhead, letting the hard water beat down against my back.

Was it possible that we were reaching an understanding? That tonight all of my actions were because I…

_No. _

It wasn't possible anyway. I'm just confused, as usual.

I do not like Tohma Seguchi.

**TBC**


	6. S u r r e n d e r

**Author's Note:**Holy JESUS. It's been a long while. It always is a long while, isn't it? I've worked on other writing projects lately, so I've been bouncing back and forth. I'm very sorry if I've let some of you guys waiting and waiting. I didn't mean to! I love you, really. If Youkai were here, she'd probably be like, don't... die and have this girl rewrite something for you, because she'll never finish, or something to that effect. Anyways, I do hope you enjoy. Thank you so much for still supporting this story during my absence. Onto the replies!

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**Angelwarrior1:**Really? That saddens me. I always thought that Shuichi and Tohma would make a very ideal couple. I always think like, if Shuichi was with anyone else, and I mean ANYONE else, things could have g one smoothly for him. Thank you for your comment!

**fan girl 666: **Why thank you, dear!

**midnight13731:**Right! I thought so, too. I guess I wanted to throw a humorous chapter in there. I used to do that often, but now my writing is just depressing haha I'm beating myself with a stick trying to force the comedy out. I'm very glad you enjoyed it! Thank you.

**Lesley-chan: **Lightweights and let's not forget that Japanese beer is VERY different from other types of beer. It's quite strong.

**xxDream Theaterxx: **Thank you for saying so! Honestly, as crazy and ridiculous as Tohma's attire may be, it's also very appealing. Well, you may love me, but I'm IN love with you, so there. You should definitely buy one of those hats… and then find a keyboard and become the Dreamy Tohma.

**GoTrinba:**Thank you! Yeah, it's really difficult for Shuichi to accept that someone can care about him, after being treated like he couldn't be by the one person he cherished the most. He feels like he's nothing, therefore…why should anyone else care about him? He hardly cares about himself in this story. But let's hope that he turns it around.

**DarkMetalAngel of Destruction: **Rare, rare moments, child. Thank you for your review!

**animelover eternal: **Tohma x Shuichi moments heading your way! Thank you ^ ^

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_Please take advantage of me.  
__足下を見てごらん__  
__That resigned face is just waiting to be destroyed.  
__諦め覚えた面はただ破滅するのを待っているよ_

**Chapter Six:** _Surrender_

It felt like my head was trying to pop off of my shoulders and crawl itself into a nearby trash can. I don't recall drinking that much, but apparently my body was remembering otherwise. I couldn't remember much either, only little instant flashes of various things. Tohma's fixation on the wedding was particularly clear in my hazed mind. Stripping in front of Tohma, stepping inside the warm shower, and then crawling into bed. It was the first night that I hadn't thought about Yuki. It was the first time that I hadn't dreamt of him.

I sat up, barely managing to crack an eye open. "Tohma…" As if on cue, a pale hand reached out and laid me back down with a tired, gentle force. I took notice to how warm it was beneath the sheets, what with the president's body cuddling so closely to mine. I turned my face to the left, taking in the cool air there, when I feel a pair of lips move across my neck. It was such a bold yet sudden movement that I couldn't process much, all except for one thing, that being I was thoroughly enjoying it.

My eyes closed with ease, as I reveled in the lazy abuse. Many things were rushing through my head, but very slowly. I wanted to jolt awake and react straight away, but apparently it was something that couldn't be done at this time of day, or morning, whichever it was. I raised my arm up, tangling my fingers in the short blond hair, giving a tug. I wanted those lips on mine. I wasn't one for believing anymore, so I decided to ride it through. He knew reality as far as I was concerned, Tohma being the sane one out of us.

"You taste good…" I didn't really care for what I tasted like, pulling his lips up to mine, taking the opportunity to receive what I wanted out of this endeavor. I just wanted a little bit of control over someone, or something that I knew I couldn't possibly ever. I bit at his bottom lip, taking in each noise with satisfaction, my body stirring. If he only knew how longs it's been. Hell, I'm sure he knows.

His mouth was pliant beneath mine and I could already notice the blunt change in dominance, my reign brief, as I'm shifted on top of his hips into an upright position. He meets me halfway for another kiss, our eyes locked. It seemed as though Tohma was masking what he was feeling. Like Yuki, was he merely using his actions to convey what he was feeling? I wanted to see it in his eyes. I don't want to be under his cold stare. My lashes closed against his cheeks, as my arms go around him, embracing him closely as the kiss goes deeper.

Tohma was already hard beneath me, our morning arousals brushing with every eager rock and shift of our bodies, needing that friction. His mouth was everywhere, leaving my skin flushed and burning beneath his tongue, and warm breath. I could feel his lips brushing over the shell of my ear, his voice deep and husky, "I want you."

My eyes widened at the confession, my body stiff within his arms. A betrayal? That's what it would feel like, as it felt like right now. Blue sapphires blinked with confusion, as he pulled back to look at me. He could see the doubt and worry, as reality dawned on him as well. I moved myself from him in a hurry and made a break for the bathroom, my name called from behind me. Why did I still care so much about Yuki? Why the hell did it stab like this…

I gripped at the side of the sink, knuckles turning white against the porcelain. I was tired of being the mess. My happiness was starting to revolve around Yuki. Did I even really want Tohma? Did I even really like him? Not really, though my body was pretty insistent on stating otherwise. I reached down to touch the sensitive flesh, kneading it softly in slow rubs. I was almost tempted to release right here, but that seemed all the more guilty.

It was difficult returning to the room, but somehow, with fifteen minutes of relaxed breathing and my 'fuckfuckfuck' mantra, I had managed to emerge. There he was, buttoning up his purple work shirt, and sliding his arms through black and white suspenders. He didn't seem bothered by what had just happened, something which was oddly annoying to me. I wanted there to be some sort of rational explanation…

God knows there wasn't one.

"Are you alright, Shindo-san?" I was starting to wonder why the hell he cared so much. His touch was scorching hot, my body burning as I dug my nails into the tops of my thighs. My anger and my embarrassment…I had kissed him back. Even in the silence, the space between us was filling up with some unfortunate chemical, leaving me wanting more.

I thought it would be difficult, but the words came out easy enough. "I said I hate you, so why don't you listen?"

"Why do I stand still when you're trying to push me away, you mean?" He asked, as he shrugged into his jacket. I nodded slowly, not quite seeing it that way, but I guess that made sense. "I'm not moved by much. Pathetic attempts to escape something like this will simply be ignored and I will have what I want."

He started walking towards me, but I was unable to do much about it, his words just now washing over me in tremors. I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to react, when he stood only inches away from me. His blue eyes were as fierce as daggers, accusing. "After what just transpired…You have the nerve to deny it, Shuichi…" Also, hearing my name from his lips did something me that I couldn't quite understand.

Even if he was angry, it wouldn't last long. It was usually I, who was temperamental. Tohma is the one who was always calm and collected. "Deny what?"

Gloved hands reached down, the soft material sliding across my cheeks, as he lifts my head to look at him. We stared at each other for a long moment, before he leaned down for a kiss, my head slowly turned away just as our lips brushed. I stepped away from him, when he grabbed me by my arm, "There is something between us. Stop being so selfishly oblivious to the situation that we're in."

I laughed then, "Making claims on me, treating me like an object, wasn't that more of Yuki's style?" He roughly let me go, sending me back a few steps. It was as if he had been burned. I could feel the invisible wall between us being placed back up, brick by solid brick. Was it more comfortable this way? Why was it so hard to breathe then? My decision mocking me, my words, my distance...

"You're mine," He said quietly. The tension had settled in the room. "Aside from legally on documents through the company, I'm sure that you'll begin to notice it soon enough."

Tohma was gone by the time I was finished changing. It didn't take long to pack my things, seems how I didn't really bring much to begin with. The large bag I had been tugging with me on the night that Yuki kicked me out was only so big, because I didn't fold my laundry. It was the same case now. I couldn't breathe or think anymore, but living with Tohma only made my life more complicated, and somehow painful.

I didn't want to feel anything. So, I called Kei to come and get me so that the drive to Hiro's house would be quick. Yes, I decided to be a nuisance and stay there anyway. It seemed like the easiest thing to do at the time. I picked up my cellphone and scrolled down to the K section, when suddenly there was someone violently pounding at the door, a sound that was akin to someone banging on it with a hammer. "Kei-san, is that you?"

The door flew opened then, hitting the wall with a hard slam. I wasn't at all surprised to see my manager standing there with a leering grin. "You didn't hear my knocking, so I became worried, Shuichi," his voice teased, as he brought his battle rifle up to his shoulder. "I'm happy to see that you're alert as ever." Was he serious… what the hell kind of knocking did he do?

"Yeah… whatever…" was all I could manage, as I scooped up my bags, and headed out the door, leaving Kei to follow after me. Audible gasps of fear and shock were growing more apparent, the question of why didn't have to be asked with my manager's plentiful and obvious weaponry. This man wasn't even stopped by security, defying all possible logic.

I didn't dare wonder.

"So, straight to Hiro's house, okay?" Kei tended to deviate from original plans, perhaps for our gain in the end, but it was annoying nonetheless.

"Sure, Shuichi. Sure."

Just what the hell did that mean? I wanted to ask him, but it was probably nothing. He wouldn't mess with me right now. I wanted to believe that, I needed to otherwise I would become unnecessarily angry. It was a side of myself that I was trying to work on. Hell, maybe I killed him off. Maybe the angry side of me was just an eerie calm now. Regardless, my eye was beginning to twitch the more I noticed the scenery was looking less and less like the route to my best friend's place and more like NG's company building.

"Why are we here?" My tone was flat. The man sitting across from me was a mask of amusement, as one of his legs slowly crossed over the other.

"Whatever do you mean, Shuichi? I'm just following orders."

" Oh, really? You were ordered to bring me here? That's…" I began laughing, incapable of believing reality as it so gently thrusts itself onto my lap. "Tohma Seguchi asked you to…"

We came to a stop just outside of the company doors. The air in the small space was thick now, as Kei lingered without an answer, as if he were thinking carefully, when he raised a finger up to move his glasses down the bridge of his nose, his blue eyes dancing as he stared at me, the words flowed without consequence. "Deliver his goods."

His goods?

I wiped a lone tear from my eye, trying to recuperate from the fits of sarcastic induced giggles. "That is wonderful, Kei. Truly…ah…ha…" I opened the door to the van and left it open as I started to walk in the opposite direction, abandoning my belongings and my manager. Was this one of Tohma's I own you moments? Please. _Please_!

"Shuichi…need I remind you what happens if you walk away from me?" I stopped dead in my tracks and slowly let my eyes close on me.

_Don't shoot me…_

"This doesn't concern you, _manager_. I'm an adult. I can walk away if I want to, I can be late if I want to, and I can live however I want to without some asshole trying to control me." I assumed that my words would be enough, somehow, within my realm of logic anyway. I only took a few more steps, when I felt a small sharp in my shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Shuichi. I mean, for being dramatic, and shooting you with a tranquilizer. If it at all helps, this is the same dosage used to take out say, bunnies, or baby squirrels…"

His words were fading out, as darkness continued to engulf me. It was almost… pleasant.

"That was hardly necessary, Kei-san." A kind and soft familiar voice.

"It didn't work on the animals, though Shuichi kind of resembles something of that nature." This caused Tohma to laugh then. "You're absolutely right about that. He does remind me of a kitten, vulnerable, small…"

I suddenly sat up, nearly unsuccessfully shoving away from the both of these scheming men, when I found my back against the couch. I busied myself with glaring at them. Laser beams, go! Once I realized that it wasn't happening, I settled further into the leather cushion. Kei's job was done, so he left without a word, like a dog obeying its master. It was a vision that not even I could force my mind to produce.

"About earlier…" Was that where we were at now? The awkward trailing, kidnapping. I was shaking my head already, not allowing him to finish. "Earlier is 'I don't care'. I just don't care. If you're going to believe in anything, then please believe in that at least. Give up on thinking that I'll return your feelings… in any eventuality, future, next lifetime. My bones, my heart believes that you're my rival."

His facial expression remained passive, indifferent to what should have been a slap in the face. "What same thing are we fighting for exactly?" He narrowed his eyes, watching as mine close on me. I really didn't know. That was a good question. "It's not Yuki. It's not for respect. It's not over music. Then what is it, Shuichi?"

I whispered solemnly, "It's what we're fighting against."

"You're the only one fighting, alone, and against me of all people. I've never went against this feeling. I know what I want. I'll be honest that at first, I thought it was a little bizarre considering our turbulent past. But I can't stay away from you, I can't stop thinking, or doing things that will bring us closer. I don't want permission to reach for you…" Then he was there, following his words, pulling me close to him by my shirt. His eyes were steady and sure, a scary calm with perplexing depth. "Shuichi…"

Stop…

I wanted to tell him, but I couldn't. I wanted to shove him away, but my body felt weighed down by the heaviness of his words, his confessions, his very being. I wondered if after Yuki, if it would be possible to be loved by another, and would I be able to love them back? Could I love someone fairly while harboring all of this hurt and anger?

Tohma's lips deftly caressed and melted against my own, his hand moving from my shirt to the side of my face, kissing me deeply. It felt so good to feel, but it almost felt wrong, as if I was going against all of this time I've spent being upset and content with it. I wound my arm around his neck, leaning against him, feeling his other hand tangle in my hair, pulling me as close as possible, satisfied that I had given into the moment.

I felt utterly defeated. Tell my conscience to stand down, because my heart is waving a white flag. Even if it's just for now, show me how much I mean to you, Tohma.

Since I'm sick of feeling and thinking that I'm not worthy of this…

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**TBC**

Lyrics before the chapter is from a song called TERROR by DIAURA. It's a very good song from a charming band. If you can find a link with English subs, definitely watch and listen. Thank you for reading!


	7. L e t t e r 01 D

**Author's Note:**This chapter is EXTREMELY different from the chapter I wrote in 2005. Well, I suppose that the entire story is quite different from its original piece, and probably for the better. Anyways, I'm sorry that I update so slowly, but I never fail to notice when someone's follows my story and add its to their favorites. Thank you very much for sticking with me! ^ ^

Do you wanna know what I want to do next? A Loveless fanfic, but who would really read the bizarre idea that I have for it? I also have many of unfinished stories, or stories that I would love to redo all over again like this one...I tend to jump into writing thinking that I'm so good at it, that I can write ANYTHING and make it sound appealing. It's a fault, I know.

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** The Yaoi Pimpette:**Thank you for your review. I'm really happy to know that you've been around since the remake. I hope you're well ^ ^ Thank you again.

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You are so beautiful that my eyes become dizzy  
目が眩むほどに美しい  
So, I ended up touching you  
あなたに触れてしまった

Chapter Seven: _Letter 01 D _

I had lost myself walking around the city. I wasn't sure how long I'd been walking for exactly, was it hours maybe? The sun had already gone down and despite the fact that I've received practically a dozen calls, I couldn't bring myself to answer any of them. Tohma was probably worried, but he's the reason why I was roaming like this in the first place. I couldn't allow us to join hands and run off into the sunset, no matter how good he is… with everything.

_Our lips parted after what seemed like merely seconds, but had been long moments. It had been so pleasing that I allowed him to press my hips to his desk. His scent, his closeness, all of it was flooding me. It was the moment between kisses, like moments between distractions, where I started to tense up. My fears of betrayal refused to enable me to pull off the rest of his clothing and take what was obviously mine._

I couldn't do it. _"Tohma…stop…"_

_Wordlessly, he removed himself from me, and it left me feeling cold. I wanted him so badly, but I couldn't say it. Even though the moment had been a mood kill, I could see the faintest hint of a smirk growing across his gorgeous face. More than giving in, I also gave Tohma a victory._

_"Let's go home, Shuichi."_

_"Yeah."_

The concrete became spotted as rain started to fall. It was ironic and convenient. The smell evaded my lungs, calming me. Sometimes it helped to just stand still, while everything else passed by. I didn't want to go home just yet. Tohma would probably be too pissed off anyway with that awkwardly calm façade plastered on just to cover it up. How many times will I or one man have to face having erections and go on doing nothing about it?

At least I haven't anything about it. Tohma could be… in the shower right now, caressing himself, soapy strokes, and flushed skin. '_Join me, Shuichi'. _Fucking shit. I did it to myself this time. I couldn't help it, it's like a disease at this point, ever since his lips met mine. I needed time to think and breathe my own air, clear my head of various things, and my perversions apparently.

I couldn't let Tohma know how weak he's made me. Yuki had so much control over me. I'll never allow it again, for anyone. Yet Tohma scares me, scares the hell out of me. I don't like men who know how to keep their promises. I don't like believing in him. If I were to become Tohma's, I already know that I would be treated right, which was something I wasn't used to.

How sad…

Yuki sure had it good, having me do all sort of pretty and nice things for him. Maybe he also became greedy, so those things were no longer good enough for him. I know now that deep down inside that I wasn't happy anymore, not with him, because eventually he made me feel like I was forcing him to be happy with me. Had I forced him to love me, as well? This is the part where I blame myself. Somehow, I always find a way to blame it all on me.

_Love…_

Love was something that I could no longer relate to anymore. It was foreign, but lovely. It's not like I could forget something like that. It's an overwhelming feeling that erases all bits of sadness and loneliness from your heart and your mind. Maybe there was even a part of you that loses control, since you haven't been so happy in a long time, how would you know how to live that like at first? Love reminds people of pain and happiness, it screws you over so that you never forget its feeling, its trace, its mark on you.

You'll always know when your own love is real and whether it's truly there or not. It's like an addiction that you'll always want to have, and never repress.

"Can I help you?" It wasn't someone who worked here, but she seemed interested. How detestable, being interested in a disgusting fellow like me. I politely declined, continuing to skim through the selection of notebooks, deciding to go with one with a light flowery pattern on it. I don't know why it attracted me so much, but I had to have that one specifically. When I was up at the counter to pay for the book, I also grabbed a pen for sale. I'll try to go write in the park for a bit, see if a song can form itself.

I knew of a small park just around the corner and I dragged my feet the whole way, sitting myself down on a wooden bench. I used to come here with Hiro during the summer. We'd get ice cream from the shop and then talk here, but ever since my buddy entered the dating world, his presence has been nonexistent, aside from band related stuff. I don't even want to be around people who are dating.

What a happy bunch of sons of bitches.

I moved my hood up over my head and leaned forward, trying my best to shield the blank pages from slowed downfall, the rain turning into a light drizzle. A song wasn't coming to me, but something else was, and writing is writing. I could easily make something out of whatever was coming. I needed to pour myself into something, because I was full. I was at my limit. So, I began writing thoughts, feelings:

01 Denial

I can't run from it. I always thought I could run right at it, but truthfully, I wasn't cut out for this kind of romance. I know that whatever I'm looking for isn't far, it's so very close. I feel like there's a place inside of me that's waiting to bloom still, a place that has yet to be touched. I know that I can obtain it, but something is in the way, always in the way. The path that leads me towards this feeling is covered by so many things. I can no longer see its trail, or know if it was ever actually there to begin with.

Please speak to me. I want to remember you, this feeling. Right now there is a gray sky above me, but I'm searching for your warmth. Maybe I don't even deserve it. I'm so scared of what I've never felt before. I've never felt this way.

As if there is no grass. No air, no food, or water: I starve for you.

Is it possible for a person who doesn't wish, to believe? This is like a nightmare that can never stop, until I'm touching you. For you, I would wish. It's so unreal to change so quickly. I was never this type of person, and if I was, then that part of me died, and was reborn under your gaze. You remind me of flowers consisting only of pale colors and rich scent. I want to take you in as my air and breathe you out. I want to have you as my own.

- Shuichi

My hand paused, as my eyes skimmed over all of the writing. The conclusion of the product caused my chest to tighten, my mouth falling open when I notice that towards the end of my lazy drabble, that my writing started to look a lot like a confession.

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Now in order to be standing outside of this person's home, you'd have to be insane or desperate. I knew that the very moment this rock idol opens his door, that he'd be suffocating me in a hug, or jumping onto me. Despite the threat of knowing that the night would most likely consist of going through coloring books and one on one plush talking, I still went through with ringing the doorbell to Ryuichi Sakuma's place.

**My, how the mighty have fallen.**

I felt around my bag, searching around for something bottle shaped, and I sighed in relief. The aspirin was packed, so I guess I'm ready for this.

"Go back to sleep, Kumagoro!" Oh, Jesus fuck. I went to turn and walk my back to the hotel, when the door opened. "Shuichi!" My arms parted on instinct, suddenly (yet not unexpectedly) being pulled into a giant hug, his limbs wrapped about my body.

"Not sparkling, not sparkling!" I started to panic, being sent back a few steps. Perhaps the singer forgot about the set of stairs behind me. Oh, and saying not sparkling is the only way to communicate to Ryuichi when something is not cool, or potentially dangerous.

He jumped back down, a small pout playing against his lips. "I'm sorry, Shuichi. Please continue to sparkle!"

I wanted to tell Ryuichi that I only sparkled back then, because I felt complete while being with Yuki. That was when I knew what sparkling meant to me, but I also knew what not sparkly was, and it's where I am now. I was forever stuck in a loop-like lifestyle. I'm happy, then I'm not happy, and then I'm extremely unhappy.

My circle of life in a nutshell.

"Is it okay if I rest here for a bit?" I watched his face light up, as he eagerly shook his head yes, both his hands ushering me inside.

"What do you wanna do first? Color, finger painting, I could go wake up Kumagoro!"

"I'm actually pretty beat. I'm sorry, Ryuichi…" I trailed off, slowly watching his smile fade. I barely get to see this guy and he was and still is one of my idols, the reason I even began singing.

He started to turn slightly, his shoulders slumped pitifully, "The guest room is down the hall. I'll see you in the morning… I'll cook bunny shaped pancakes."

"Ryuichi…wait." He paused from walking away to look at me. I would so regret doing this. "Go and get the coloring books, will you?"

That's how the rest of our night was spent, coloring and chatting. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It never is. Apparently, Ryuichi already knew about Tohma and I, at least, only the part where Tohma had taken me in. Honestly, I was really relieved that I wouldn't have to explain anything to him, besides that would be considered adult talk, right? And Ryuichi is mentally not old enough to be having that discussion.

The more I tried to separate my thoughts and self from Tohma, the more I was beginning to sink. We're almost the same people, although I never cared to realize it. We always try to please others, yet we're afraid to be ourselves around the ones we hold closest. It used to be easier to pretend. Just one more night, just another act, and maybe someday we'd be able to live up to who we really are. We're being real now, aren't we?

"Oh, look what I found!" I blinked out of my stupor to find a folded up piece of paper being shoved at me. I didn't even realize, my reaction delayed as I slowly unfolded it. It was the sloppy drawing of Yuki the night before Bad Luck's first concert. Christ. I remember being so nervous, but I was also really naive. My music and my Yuki, thinking that it was all I needed. I don't want to ever rely on someone else to make me do my job better.

Yuki, did you ever realize how much control you had over my mood? That's what it's like to master someone's heart.

Apart from that, singing was my career, it's what I do. It took me so long to realize that I didn't need him, and that I never did. Perhaps it would have been better if we never met.

Ryuichi got up from his spot on the floor, something about needing to sleep, and that I was at fault for keeping him up so late. _This bastard…_He fixed me a spot on his couch, despite the fact that he had several other rooms. Throwing the bunny plush from on top of the blankets, I plopped myself down onto the uncomfortable leather. It wasn't like Kumagoro's cousin could keep me warm or offer me advice. He wasn't comfortable. In fact, nothing was comfortable.

_Tohma…just let me fucking hate you._

I couldn't do this anymore.

_Shuichi… _The warmth of his soft lips, the taste of his flesh, the silkiness of his velvet tongue, everything. My body wracked with a sudden chill, remembering all too clearly. The way he touches me, I can't breathe. _Shuichi…_The way he says my name, my resolve trembles. I feel like my heart is about to burst. I bring my hand up to lay against my chest, trying to will the fast beating to slow down. Those eyes could leave me without motion.

I got up and collected my things, unable to stay still, or was it unable to stay away? I wrote a small note for Ryu, and headed out onto the empty streets. The fresh smell of rain still lingered, it was probably raining all night. I could see Tohma clearly now, staring out the hotel window to watch the sky fall. It was late, so he'll probably think I'm out of my mind, but it was impossible to deny these things to myself. The longer I walked in silence, the more I thought of him and felt him. I wasn't even away from him for that long.

Reaching the hotel, I could feel my heart start to pound again. The thought of seeing him was almost too much. What if he was asleep? I don't care. I'm going to allow him to have me. That's like a gift for him, something he's been wanting, craving. It was egotistical to think that way, but he's been feeding me too many compliments (absurdities) lately.

I unlocked the door with ease, even though my hands were shaking. The moment I opened the door and breathed in our shared space, I felt calm and yet not. Some of the lights were left on, and there was a noise. It sounded like a chair being pushed across the floor. I walked inside the kitchen to see Mika standing there dressed in nothing but a camisole, one of the straps falling loosely down over her shoulder. She was a vision, even for me.

I was at a loss, mesmerized by seeing so much, and knowing so little. She was here to seduce Tohma? Or had it already been done…

"Shuichi?" Oh, no.

I turned around, knowing that voice very well. "Tohma. You don't have to say anything. I'm just going to go." I walked past him without looking at him, even though my body was crumbling. I wanted to so badly, now I just wanted to escape. "This was bound to happen, anyway. It's not like you two were boyfriend and girlfriend. You were married, right? Getting back together is only natural."

"Shuichi."

"Besides, if I wanted to, I could probably have Yuki back. Haha…" I felt a tight grip go around my wrist, before I was slammed against a hard surface. The loud impact from Tohma's hand meeting the wall beside my face startled me, but my eyes didn't want to see him. I couldn't. "T-Tohma…"

"You didn't come home last night. Do you know how worried I was? Do you even care? Do you think it's fun messing with my head, playing these games, forcing me to behave this way?" He does know that his ex-wife is in the kitchen, right? He leaned in closely when I didn't answer him, the air from his mouth reaching me when he speaks. _Don't_kiss him. "And then to say something like, 'I could probably have Yuki back if I wanted'…what are you trying to do to me?"

"N-nothing, so… let me go."

His eyes narrowed, and perhaps this was the first time that Tohma had lost his patience with me. I wanted to shrink beneath him and become one with the floor, but his body kept mine against the wall, making it impossible to do anything else, except feel him.

Mika walked into the room just then, her arms crossed. "I take it that our discussion is over, then?" Tohma eyes hadn't moved from mine, he didn't even bother responding to her, as she grabbed her jacket and left without another word.

"Did she come here to get you back?" He slowly released me to take a step back. "No, she didn't come here to get me back. She came over to talk about Eiri. He's having headaches again, so he was brought to the hospital earlier. She wanted to know if I wanted to go with her, but I told her it was a bad idea."

Now I feel stupid…

Unable to face that fact, I decided to change topic. "Let's just go to bed."

He didn't bother fighting me, and I knew he wouldn't. I forget how easy it is to be around Tohma. I didn't have to beg for something like this, just to lie comfortably beside someone. He crawled in next to me and allowed me to bury my face into his shirt once we were settled beneath the sheets. I wound my arms around his slender waist to pull him closer, wondering how the night would have gone if Mika hadn't been here, or if Tohma hadn't been angry.

What a night.

"When did you change…?" He ran his long fingers through my hair, the action was so soothing, I could only hum something incoherently in response. He whispered close to my ear, his lips brushing my skin, "Since when do you allow me to touch you like this?"

"You're asking too many questions tonight!"

"Hai, hai…"

This jerk, he's probably smiling.

-  
**TBC **


	8. L e t t e r 02 DE

**Author's Note:**This chapter is EXTREMELY different from the chapter I wrote in 2005. Well, I suppose that the entire story is quite different from its original piece, and probably for the better. Anyways, I'm sorry that I update so slowly, but I never fail to notice when someone's follows my story and add it to their favorites. Thank you very much for sticking with me! ^ ^

_I've made up my mind! I'll probably do a Lee Min Ho story next. That's crazy, isn't it?_

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**Manga Ren:** Thank you! Please keep reading !

**irok2hard:** YEAH, well, you get more action. Perhaps not as much action, but I'm trying to stick to the original story. I wasn't so explicit with sex scenes back in the day ; o ; ) Thank you for reading and reviewing!

**The Yaoi Pimpette:** Thank you! I'm glad you're really enjoying it. Yeah, my writing is different now! It's absurd lol but I'm not sure if it's good, because I've made Shuichi kind of cynical. I think some of the things you've been curious about will go down in this chapter.

**Carol D:** Thank you for reviewing! I hope you enjoy.

**Shadow Kitsune67:** Thank you! I know, it's been forever! I keep updating. It's so slow, but lol it's getting there. I've stuck to my promise of finishing it. Aw, thanks :D

**LuxaLovesLawnmowers:** You didn't leave a real comment, but you're in the comment section, therefore you get this... Thank you :)

* * *

_You are beautiful..._

_Please do not reject me..._

_Dinner for a devil_

**Chapter 08:** _Letter 02 DE_

My mind was flooded with the loud, incessant present. The phones were ringing like crazy. Machines were going off and every noisy device in existence just so happened to be in this very room. There were people here that I didn't want to see every day, always watching with a skeptical eye, waiting for me to work, or waiting for the next problem to arise. I must've looked like an obvious mess, because my producer and manager were both giving me their best concerned expressions.

Maybe I was wrong, perhaps these looks were that of a doctor giving his Frankenstein a once over. It's not exactly what you had hoped to create, but it'll do.

"Shuichi," Kei started, as he placed down a bottle of gun polish on top of the table. "Are you alright?" He calmly picked up his riffle and started using an old rag to give it shine. What the hell is wrong with this guy? "Maybe you should try going over the new song again."

I stood up and went over towards the microphone, band and company ready and waiting, perhaps even eager to see if I could perform with any sort of quality at this point. The music began and I allowed my eyes to close on me, to envision a brighter future and then laughing right at it, in its face, as if it had a face. Let's just say that the future had a Tohma-like face.

_ I'm blinded by a love that will never form.  
You were so beautiful that my eyes became dizzy,  
so I ended up touching you._

Unplanned, distasteful lyrics, perhaps, but no one seemed to particularly mind it. In fact, I believe the rifts of the guitar are somehow grinding deeper, tearing through the room like a sharp knife. Not even I could deny the raw intensity. I wanted to just to be done with it, with caring, with loving, with wanting. I didn't want anything anymore, yet that stupid smiling face always flashes at the back of my mind.

It taunts me and presents itself so cruelly. You come back from being overseas today. Don't even think about showing me that face.

_ If we could keep dreaming like this,  
we would have lived in the same moment forever._

I laughed into the microphone, an evil laugh that could be perceived as part of the performance. No one seemed to question or pick up on its true intent. Tohma, being gone for almost a whole week to do business, only to leave behind a note, a nice, handwritten note, expressing his apologies, and promises, and everything else he deemed necessary on two pages.

_ When I realized how violently we wanted each other,  
you already went far away._

When the song finally ended, I looked up to see that everyone had gone silent, and it's like they were in love. My shallow lyrics were a hit, that's fantastic. Kei looked smug, while Sakano appeared nervous and envious all at once.

Kei smirked, "Perfect. That was absolutely perfect, and bold as well. You'll show your fans that song tonight. What's it called?"

"Demons." I was starting to get a headache. "I wish there was magic in this world, so that we could rearrange the inevitable, or so there could be a doppelganger to stand in for me tonight." I heard the safety on Kei's riffle give a click, as he steadied it at close range. He would tease about killing you if you started to think or speak negatively. I almost forgot something so pointless, that or maybe I welcomed it.

"I don't know if you've ever seen me 'in action' with this here riffle, but sometimes it overpowers me, and sometimes, it jerks my arm in directions that I can't quite control, but the target is somehow always lethally exact, hell, it's damn near flawless." The sneer in Kei's voice was enough to encourage my own empty threats, but I decided not to make my life more senselessly difficult.

It's hard to give and show respect sometimes. "Tonight will be great."

"President Seguchi is back," Sakano murmured to Kei, the both of them sharing looks with one another. I was only becoming more annoyed, when the blond looked at me, "We should probably approve the new song with the president first. You may be safe tonight. Usual set list until I state otherwise."

I saluted them both, before stepping out of the room. They would have made me perform a song without authorizing it with Tohma? I don't quite see why he would mind. I guess I don't really understand the music industry all that much. I just want to go on singing and writing and playing music with the people I care about surrounding me. That's all, so simple.

My hand rose to knock on the door to Tohma's office, but I was too weak against the thought of seeing him. This was ridiculous. He's not like Yuki. If I show Tohma love, he will want it back, because he wants me. It's pathetic how conditioned I was when it came to Yuki. How many restrictions there were, so maybe things I could show and then couldn't, and affection was one of those things, one of those important things that should have been allowed, but wasn't.

The moment I looked at him, it was kind of like tunnel vision for me. Everything was a blur, except for him, who kept coming into perfect focus. How does he not get so caught up? He's the calm I will never hope to reach, the stability that I was never able to grasp, and the love that I'm only subconsciously aware of, but too afraid to show, but selfish enough to retain.

Unless I was forced to give in, Tohma…_You can make me._

He wordlessly pulled me to him by my arm, inching me so close to him that I could feel his light breaths whispering across my cheek. Standing still, we enjoyed the warmth of just being next to each other. When staring at someone this beautiful, there really was no way to prepare for it. Most people end up gawking stupidly, probably like I was, but he didn't seem to mind it.

I didn't want to be afraid anymore. If this love was going to happen and I'm going to end up falling, just let it consume me.

"I missed you. I miss you even now." The sad tone in his voice held something in my chest, making me feel warm. See through me. See everything, because it's obvious right now. I leaned up to brush my lips over his mouth, answering in my own way that it was mutual. Just as my eyes were ready to close, he quietly warned me, "Don't…" His voice was harsh with desire, killing me so easily.

I lifted my head to look at him and my heart quickened its pace. Our eyes met for the briefest of seconds, before his lips crushed mine. I felt his arms twine around me like vines, as I opened my lips to his pleading mouth. He groaned softly, as I leaned into him, allowing myself to realize his presence, feeling the strong muscles of his body and smelling the spicy maleness that clung to him. He was real. Not just some imagined idol or a pretty face, but a solid human. Right here, with me. The person I chose.

My fingers threaded their way past his chest, shoulders, and neck till they tangled in his platinum hair. He trembled at my touch, just as affected, as we clung to each other, drinking in the breath that passed between our lips. I gave myself fully into the kiss, as my rational brain shut down and my instincts took over. I threw the preverbal 'every caution' out the window and poured all my emotions into the mix, allowing myself to be swept away.

I sucked in a breath when our lips parted at last, my lungs forcing air in at desperate gasps for life. So, we're at his office, and this is happening. I tried to calm my raging heart, I looked up at him. His eyes were closed and his chest was rising and falling to the same raged rhythm as my own. I shrugged off my jacket, feeling the weight slip from me, and I began pulling at the one he was wearing. His eyes opened and he watched me for a second with a strange look on his face, before doing the job himself.

I watched as his muscles moved under the fabric of his shirt as he rid himself of his coat. Tenderly, I laid the flat of my hand against his chest, seeking out the throbbing beat of his heart that would harmonize with my own. There it was. It pounded angrily against his ribcage, as if desperately straining to reach the outside world. His eyes closed again and he let out a shaking breath. I was hypnotized by the rhythm against my palm, when he removed his shirt, revealing more skin.

Hesitantly, I returned my hand to his chest and slowly ran it over the pale contours as they shone in the silver light falling through the large windows. I hadn't even noticed we were in the dark. With a small smile lingering on his lips, he lowered his head and kissed me, slowly without the rush of earlier. They burned over my own, branding me sweetly to him. When his hands finally slipped underneath the soft material of my shirt, I sighed raggedly into the deep cavern of his mouth. His skin against my skin made me weak. Those hands rose, bunching up the fabric as far as it would go, up the length of my back, tracing the curve of my spine.

Breaking the kiss, his lips moved languidly and without reservation to the hollow of my neck just beneath my ear. I gasped and involuntarily arched my neck, offering myself like a victim to the vampire. His breath was hot, as he placed one slow kiss after another along the line of my jaw. All the while, his hand slid up my shirt, breaking the kiss to remove it.

It was ecstasy. His hands were reverent yet possessive, gentle yet hungry. His long graceful fingers brushed over my skin, scalding my senses. I felt his lips graze the base of my neck lightly, before he pulled me close for another life-threatening kiss, savoring the feel of him against me, which he returned with enthusiasm. We finished undressing each other with little effort. The leather couch that was for pure decorating purposes would now serve another, as we fell onto it, tangled.

Finally being with Tohma, as one, was like an ending. There was rightness in the way his body fit with mine, a truth in the way he made me feel. It felt like I was made for him and him for me, as stupid and pathetic as that sounded. The old Shuichi would get attached, but this was something else. I held him close to me, muffling my gasps against the hardness of his shoulder. My name falling from his lips had me undone, wholly and completely.

And the night still wasn't over.

_It was an encounter that cannot be forgiven,  
even though I should have known it from the beginning._

The crowd was moving with me, just as energetic as I was, being with me in my realm. This was our territory. Here is where we had an understanding, the fans and Bad Luck. This is what we both do best, and it's when we're at our best. We paid close attention to each other. We listened attentively. This connection was unchangeable, as we reached in for the briefest touches, the greatest marks in our fan's lives. Bad Luck taught them how to let go and have a good time, and they taught us so much more.

_I wish far away, so let's spend one last night.  
I want to take all of you away, so __let's kill our breath and sleep._

The song came to a close, my heart beating and swelling all at once. Looking at their teary faces, I could tell that tonight was a job well done. Even I couldn't stop myself from feeling somewhat saddened by having to stop singing. Waving and saying our goodbyes, we parted and headed into the back area, met with towels and water.

"Man! That was a really good show. I was surprised how hard they went." Hiro wiped the sweat from his brow, cheerful. "Say, Shuichi, do you want to come over later? Ayaka's making some rejuvenating food. It'll be a good time for us to catch up. Fujisaki, you should come, too."

"That would be awesome!"

_No, no._

"I think I'm about to pass out," I said, while waving them off, not really in the mood for Ayaka, the goddess of Hiro's life. I didn't want to bond. I didn't want anything, but bed really.

I quietly changed into my clothing and removed my stage makeup, preferring to do it quickly, and by myself. There were gifts for me on the table that I could see in the mirror, consisting of mostly cute plush animals and cards. I would read them all, cherish them all, and then cast them away into the closet of most forgotten things. Then my eyes caught sight of what appeared to be a bouquet of red long stemmed roses.

_Tohma…_I smirked to myself, taking the card from the envelope beside it. How ridiculous. He's going to start sending me flowers now? My eyes skimmed over the writing, suddenly dropping the card as if it were encased with thorns. Yuki? Why? My heart pounded hard, as I stood there frozen, unable to think or move. Why the hell would he send me roses?

The door closed with a soft click and to confirm my worst nightmare, I turned to see the devil himself, standing there, arrogant and uncaring, dull and yet toxic. My voice was low, but I was insistent on being the first one to speak, "Thank you for the roses."

"There's no need to thank me, _Shu_." Oh, ho…alright. We're going to use pet names. I busied myself with grabbing my bag and collecting a few of my things, trying not to be so obvious of the fact that I wanted to leave, get away from him, run away if possible. He moved in front of me, blocking my route to the door. "Tell me, how is it with Tohma?"

We looked at each other, my eyes burning into him, as if it would blow him out of my path. Yeah, right. Now he's going to start asking personal questions. They're friends, after all, so naturally these questions wouldn't be appropriate anyway. He's making Tohma sound like a conquest or a cheap thrill, like I've been trying him out for fun.

This was my chance to hurt Yuki back. Should I just allow it to pass me by? "Our relationship is stronger and better than I've ever experienced." I crossed my arms, pretending to have to ponder. "He's compassionate and understanding, sweet and generous, and he enjoys the person that I am. He's everything you aren't, basically."

Basically...

"Are you sure that you know Tohma that well? Do you even know everything he's been through, what his real agenda might be? If you thought I was bad, you might soon discover that you've found someone a lot worse." That smug, cool expression was enough to piss me off right and proper. He was trying to make me have doubts. We had mirrored intent, since we were both out to hurt one another.

"I know him, inside and out, and I'm confident about it, so-" He suddenly grabbed me by my shoulders and pulled me into an embrace, one that I was too shocked, and also too pained to return. This wasn't Yuki. Yuki would never care enough to do something like this. Yuki would condemn me to whatever hell came my way. Yuki wouldn't hug me without reason and honestly, I couldn't see one now. What, was he trying to bring me home? Why would he want me to come home, to the place he pushed me out of in the first place?

"Go back to the place that never wanted me, Yuki…" I laughed, bitter and exhausted. The tears came on their own, I hadn't even noticed they were there, but that was part of my nature, right? To crumble in front of this man, this creature, this _stranger_. My hands pushed at his chest, trying to distance him from me. "I probably don't know anything, but Tohma cares about me. He actually cares about me. My anger and sadness will go away, but disappointment can last a lifetime. You disappointed me."

He stole my happiness and left me in the dark to find it again. He took it all away and he had been proud of the broken person he had left behind. He was trying to touch my heart, grabbing and clutching at it with his greedy hands. Would he never let me go and move on? Wouldn't he allow me to rest now…

"Shuichi," He said, while lifting my face up to look at him, newly formed tears falling as my eyes narrowed at him in resentment. "You need me and no one else. You know that without me you would become lost."

That wasn't right.

Trembling, I whispered, "You're the one who is lost. Do not ever find me again." I pulled myself free and quickly opened the door, trying to keep my cool in front of staff. Both my hands wiped away at my face, trying to regain my composure. I didn't see him behind me the few times I looked back, and I was relieved. The things Yuki said weren't true.

Nothing he says will ever be true.

_ Dear You,_

_This person who was supposed to light my way, where are you now? You're supposed to keep me safe and hold me whenever I need you. I won't let you go once I find you. If you promise that we can just be happy with one another, I'll fight until the end. I do not fear what you've done, and the unknown is just something to look forward to, isn't that what I once thought?_

_I will do my part in return. I will make sure that nothing will ever touch you or even come close to you. I welcomed you to my grounds. I protected you with everything that I was, when I was once a person. I would use this body to show you what I'm made of, what a true love could be. While I'm not the one being judgmental, please stop to look at what you're getting, me, just bones and a broken heart._

_I think I knew what you wanted and I gave it to you, but time has paused for us. It's true that there were storms that came our way. But that's all it ever was, and it dances, and it'll dance away from us eventually. If you held me close, you'd be able to feel my heart burst. Being in love is about being connected and never feeling alone, but what am I feeling now? Why was your light always dimming? When everything else has abandoned you, you're supposed to have that one person._

_They will never leave you, not if it's love. They will never give up, if it's real love. They will never walk away, because it is love. I know that this feeling isn't love, but I cared easily, like I knew I would. But it's too late for that. I'm happier now that I've given up on us, because I found the happiness that I was searching for, even if it did take a long time._

_I'm alive right now._

_Sincerely,  
Me_


	9. L e t t e r 03 DEA

**Author's Note:** I updated this chapter pretty quickly. The next chapter will spell out DEAD, so it'll be the last chapter. I wonder if Youkai would have enjoyed this version better. I guess anything is better than my previous writing. I'll be sure to post a chapter up of my new story when I post the last chapter. Thanks for being patient.

**Shadowfox13:** Ah! So, that was you for Chapter 7. I understand. I'm happy you do review though. It's nice when I know someone is enjoying it haha Thank you for always reading and commenting. It means a lot to me.

* * *

_Wipe away your tear stains,_  
_Thought you said you didn't feel pain _- **Daughters/Landfill**

Chapter Nine_: Letter Three (DEA) _

I couldn't understand myself. This feeling was almost too difficult to bear. The fact that I would even feel upset over what happened with Yuki was ridiculous. He's been having those same headaches again and he comes out of the shadows to hug me? He was taking it hard, wasn't he? Old Shuichi would have tolerated it. It probably would have hurt, but I couldn't care, at least not about that anyway. I cared more about the part where Yuki thought he could pop in and out of my life, planting doubt.

Maybe there was a lot to be learned about Tohma.

I didn't want to experience the past over again. I couldn't stand secrets. If Tohma was hiding something from me, I might expel men from my life for good. Nevermind women, I'd just remain single forever, and that would be just fine.

There had to be a smart approach, a way that would make Tohma reveal all, without actually having to pry. I needed to know him.

"Tohma." If I don't know anything, then I'd fall deeper into who I used to be. I don't want to helplessly fall into the hands of another. I don't want to be controlled, yet I would already do anything for him. My body was already aching for him, always wanting more.

He doesn't look up from his paperwork, "Hm?"

"Yuki came to see me after the show yesterday and…" I watched as his body became visibly still. Keep going, keeping it going. "…he was trying to make me doubt you. He says I don't truly know the real you. I've been betrayed so many times by that scenario, I couldn't help thinking about it."

"And you believed him, Shuichi? Were his words enough?" He placed the papers down on the table beside him. "Do you really not know enough about me? Hasn't every dark shadow of my past been revealed, along with Eiri's?"

His eyes regarded me when I didn't respond, allowing the silence to answer for me. I held in a breath, as he leaned over to press his lips against my ear, "Are you missing the abuse?"

My eyes closed, releasing a shudder from the feel of his hot breath against my skin, "How could you even ask that…" Our eyes met for a brief moment, before he suddenly attacked my lips. I felt the same anger, that same passion, as I wrapped my arms around him. I wanted him so badly that my veins felt like they housed lava instead of blood.

He grunted, appreciatively, and pulled my robe from my body and slammed me cruelly against him. I let him and I fall heavily onto the mattress in a mixture of tangled limbs and coarse swearing. His urgent lips moved across my neck, finding every sensitive spot, and marking them. I didn't want or need the foreplay. I wanted him.

**Him.**

He tried to roll me over onto my back, his legs falling naturally between my own, but I resisted and pushed him back against sheets and pillows. Settling myself over his hips, I caught his eyes, and slowly drew him in, my head tilting back at the warm sensation filling me. His fingers grabbed at my waist, as I ground our hips together.

"Shuichi," he moaned, while clutching me tighter. I leaned forward to kiss him hard, my teeth nipping at his lips, while I scraped my nails against his chest. _Don't let it stop... _I whimpered and squeezed my eyes shut. Since when was I like this? I never take charge, but it felt so good.

_ Yes_… My back arched, before I fell against him, rushing and tearing through our climax. My mind blew open and the stars flooded my brain. Beneath me, I could feel Tohma's body spasm violently, as he thrust up into me once or twice more, before relaxing into the pillows.

I felt boneless and heavy.

My eyes traveled over his slick muscles and still heaving chest, fascinated. He was gorgeous, but that just then, wasn't lovemaking. I sighed loudly and covered my eyes with my hand. "I'm sorry."

He draped his arm over my waist and pulled me closer to him. My back was against his chest. His silence was the most I've understood in awhile. I moved my hand over his arm, rubbing it soothingly. I'm sure there would be marks on him tomorrow, marks that would remind him of how pissed I can be, not like the outcome was bad.

I could feel his lips move across my shoulder and over my back. A sigh told me that he was content. Each spot he kissed was slowly scorching me. He moved his hands over my stomach, teasing me, holding me closer, as he moved his mouth to the side of my neck. Slow and sensual, this man was driving me back into a frenzy that I couldn't resist. It was different now, full of need and want.

My eyes closed, feeling the faintest whisper of his fingers across my abdomen and to my arm, holding it behind me like a captive. His kisses grew hot upon my ear, "You're mine." His tongue moved in circles against the side of my neck, marking me further. Too many emotions were wracking my body. I was trembling under his touch.

He shifted so that I was beneath him now, as he slowly and skillfully kissed my lips, sliding his tongue across my lower lip, before gently nipping it. The blanket was gone, as he carelessly tossed it to the side, before pulling back to look at me. If it were even possible, his eyes had become darker, a deep piercing blue. He looked at me both lustful and yearning, showing me that he needed me just as much as I needed him.

With a sultry growl, he thrust into me deeply, causing us both to arch at the sensation. Groans escaped into the quiet room, as we moved against each other, finding a rhythm. Sweat blanketed our skin, still slick from the previous event. The heat our bodies produced felt a lot like fire. I dug my fingers into his shoulders, holding onto him, bringing him closer, needing him. I wanted to feel everything.

I hid my face against his neck, as the first wave crashed over me, the pleasure intensifying with every rock of his hips. My eyes fell closed, feeling him move slow and hard, filling me to the brim. Needing him and craving his air. Tohma's skin was pink against white, flushed. I drank in his every breath, nearly obsessed, and so caught up.

"Please!" I gasped, trying to move at a better angle, feeling him graze over just where I needed him, and then purposefully stop. He was winding me up for release, teasing me, giving me hope to be liberated and set off into oblivion.

I want to see the stars.

We shook against each other, holding on until the end. My world was spinning, my legs clinging to his hips, feeling my orgasm ripple through me, and we both collided, spilled, tumbled over into the depths. His body on top of mine was heavy, our hearts beating hard. The constant thump was almost in unison with my own. If he stuck to me like this all night that would be fine. That's what I've decided.

I keep forgetting that he's mine, but then I remember, and I get all happy about it all over again.

* * *

A message had come through hours later. News networks covered the story the moment it was considered hot. Mika Seguchi, sister of the established romance novelist, Eiri Yuki, and also former wife of NG president, Tohma Seguchi was rushed to the hospital after being found unconscious in her home after taking a high dose of medication. A source tells us that this was a result of her recent divorce and that it's no surprise.

Looking at Tohma's tense figure, I already knew that this left him unhinged.

* * *

3 months later...

Dear You,

In this quiet life, I think about you constantly. My mind keeps you safe like a memory, one that I often revisit every day, twice if not a dozen times. I released you coldly. I cut you off. I made sure that I was removed before you could say the words. You've been doing just fine. You've been by her side, helping her, and healing her. That's where you should be and I should be here, at a distance. I should be the one bearing this pain. You're just a ghost, a figment of my imagination. You're an apparition in my past now, and you still haunt me. When you come to me in dreams, I'm quick, yet guilty to have you. It's not bad if it's not real, right?

- Me

_"Bad Luck is scheduled to come back from their promotional tour just five days from now!"_

"Could you turn that off?" I looked over at Hiro, my glare ensuring the fact that he didn't have much of a choice. Turn it off or die. I haven't been in a good mood lately, and I did it all to myself. I'm such a coward, running away in fear of being tossed aside. I get rid of people before they get rid of me. It was safer that way.

My manager smirked, probably pleased that I'm speaking again. I should have taken up his offer to fire a few rounds. There was that one woman crossing the street and wasn't moving to my satisfaction. A gun at that moment would have come in handy. I wasn't caring about much and that was a problem. It's been a big problem for awhile now.

I'm going to break soon.

_ "Tohma…" Looking at his back, I could already see a defeated person. His heart was breaking, right? This was Mika, after all, so he should be running to her. "You should go see if she's okay." Why would I suggest such a thing? Why were my lips even moving? I need to tell him that the news is wrong. That it wasn't him. That their whole family was screwed up. I would know._

_"Why would she do such dumb thing?" His voice was a soft whisper, disappointed, and pained. "How thoughtless, how selfish…"_

_"Because things were going well and we were doing fine, that's why these things happen. I guess life doesn't want me fated with you. Maybe this is a sign for you, too." He remained still, not even fazed by my words, and why should he be? I was being selfish, too. I've turned this to be about myself, and our relationship. On purpose and for the right purpose, I sacrifice myself._

_"You're saying this to me right now?"I could hear the tears in his words, yet I couldn't do anything. The small steps I took towards him would lead me to nothing. Hold him, touch him, feel him, kiss the tears away, but I couldn't. "You pick the worst moments to run."_

_He already knew._

_He then laughed, sadly, "You're going on tour in a few days, so, you'll be able to be as far away from me as you want. I wouldn't want to be around someone broken either. You want stability, don't you, Shuichi?"_

_I felt cold and scared of the intense feelings of hurt and regret, but I couldn't stop. "That's right. Going on tour will be good. We can both sort ourselves out. Maybe we can even go back to the way things were, you know, before we thought this could work."_

_He turned to look at me, crystal eyes holding me there. The trails of his tears shimmered in thin paths down his cheeks. It was heartbreaking. This man wouldn't give up. He never gives up and I expected him to still fight even after I cast him away. "You're right. It's about time we stop now."_

I grimaced, unable to get that day out of my head. It's not like I was playing games with him back then, but I didn't think he'd agree so readily. And now my heart feels sick every time I think about him. My body rejects anything else. It's like I don't know how to live right anymore. I'm angry with myself for tearing everything apart. I should have kept my mouth shut. I should have held him and stood by him, but this was all part of Mika's plan, wasn't it?

There's no way in hell she'd give up Tohma. That's what love is and I was no contender. Let me know that I've done right. I'd think that every single day, but this feeling just grew worse. What if I can't last? The only reason why this was easy was because I've been gone.

And in five days, what then?

-  
TBC


	10. L e t t e r 04 DEAD

**Author's Note: **Here we are! Final chapter. I want to thank everyone for reading and following. I know that I wasn't really reliable when it came to updating. That's what happens when life bends you over, and you know the rest. Believe me, writing... is something that I take very seriously. So, I never intended on giving up on this story.

If you'd like to read the original story, with all of its horrible typos, and differentish plot, then do go here: fiction . gurabiteshiyon story . php? no = 1193

If you'd like to read my new story with Lee Min Babe/OFC, then go here: www . fanfiction s/ 9223017/ 1/ Keepsake

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_You'll fall like a guillotine and I will rise_ - Yadi "Guillotine"

Chapter Ten: _Last Letter (DEAD)_

There was so much speculation going on since Tohma started visiting Mika at the hospital. Photos showed up in the paper of their outings. Rumors started circulating about them even possibly getting remarried. Yay for being back home from tour. So glad that I could go home now to relax—Oh, wait. I was living with my ex-lover, so I guess I had nowhere to go. How fucking appropriate. What was it, square one?

I had just finished writing another letter to myself, when the van came to a halt, and I was informed that we had arrived at NG Company. I folded the notebook into my back pocket and stepped out without caution. Fujisaki was beside me, but Hiro went in the opposite direction, probably to meet with Ayaka, and go on home.

"Shuichi! Shindo-san! Please…a comment!" The paparazzi were standing between me and the company building. I kept my head down and continued on past them, quickly making my way to the room where tour staff, as well as my manager, was now currently situated. Kei looked up from his spot at the table, a small smirk playing against his lips. "Did the press say or ask you anything unusual?"

He started once he knew I wasn't going to bother answering, "I'll give you the scoop. While we were away, your image was compromised. Witnesses have spotted you and Tohma in rather compromising situations. Situations that would both blemish your career and also raise question to the integrity of our president. Eiri came forth for your sake and confirmed that those accusations were false."

So, I'm back to being with Yuki? Sounds like the siblings work well together. "And what did Tohma say?" I stepped closer, but my overall defeat was looming over me. What did Tohma have to say to the press? What was real and fake at this point.

Kei gave me a sympathetic look, "He simply agreed with the statement."

He simply agreed.

I wasn't a happy person anymore. Couldn't they tell? There was nothing positive left for me anymore. It was ripped away long ago, once I had stopped believing. My final hope was gone. Slowly, I shook my head. Understanding and accepting the facts, because what else could be done? It was only a matter of time before Yuki did something aggravating 'for my sake'.

A part of me still wanted to believe that this was all a joke. It's just a miserable dream. Tohma's assistant will come in at any second to tell me he wants to see me. He'll call upon me.

Sakano gave a surprised gasp, "I… Uh…He just walked right in."

I turned to see Yuki standing there, taking note of the confident smirk on his face. Too defenseless to do or say anything, I allowed him to grab my wrist when he did, roughly pulling me against him. His mouth was against my ear, "Welcome back."

Maybe this wasn't a dream, but a nightmare.

Everyone knew that attempting to do anything against the blond was futile, so they didn't. Instead they looked around pitifully, unable to do anything while I'm tugged outside towards the hungry paparazzi. I felt Yuki's hand at my hip, squeezing painfully hard. It was a warning. I probably looked mildly uncomfortable, and within reason.

"I only want to celebrate Shuichi's return," he lied, being the loveable novelist to the face of the media. That's rich, though. I'll be sure to quote him later. If only they knew that the love between Yuki and I had faded long ago, that if I had the chance to be anywhere else in the world, with anyone else, I'd take it.

Once inside the limo, I veered my gaze towards the tinted glass window. I found it to be more relaxing and for Yuki's 'sake', I'd pretend to be elsewhere, since reality wasn't working out. That didn't stop him from thinking it was alright to talk to me, "I'm sure you're broken up about this whole Tohma-Mika thing. You probably don't want to hear this anyway, but I told you so."

Shuichi then proceeded to open up limo side door and throw himself out of the moving vehicle. He was then disappointed, since he was still alive, and in one piece. Wishes can come true if you wish hard enough, maybe.

"Why did you tell the press about the rumors being false? I'm never going to go back to loving you, no matter how hard you try. You can't keep me chained to you."

He laughed, "Who says it was my idea? Tohma came to me and told me what to say."

Wait… what the hell did that mean? I closed my eyes for a long moment, trying to understand. "Why would he do that? This wasn't Mika's idea?"

Lighting up a cigarette, he casually crossed his leg over the other. Golden eyes stared like darts right through me, making me feel uncomfortable. "It's true she's depressed over losing Tohma, especially to a brat like you, however she wouldn't dare scheme or plot to do anything that could hurt him. She'll probably always be in love with Tohma."

If it wasn't Yuki and it wasn't Mika, then it really was Tohma. Why would he do that? The limo came to a stop. It was somewhere I knew very well. Hiro and Ayaka's home, well, this was officially weird. "Why are we here?"

"I heard you have nowhere to return to, so here should be good, is it not?" Tohma must've told him. That fact only confirmed things further. "I would have offered my place, but you didn't seem so thrilled about it the last time we spoke." He cleared his throat when I looked over at him, seeing someone else entirely. Did Yuki finally get it now?

"Thank you."

There was a knock on the door, the sound pulling Tohma from staring off into nothing, thinking without thoughts. It was late and his assistant had already gone home. He'd hoped most of the company was at home by now. He just didn't want to return to Mika's place, where he was temporarily staying until he gets around to speaking with realtors.

"Come in." A part of him wished to see someone specifically, but he knew Shuichi wasn't that kind of child. He'd never be the one to do the actual chasing, would he? The blond gave a sigh, but his heart did stop for a fraction of a second as the door opened, and then it fell when it was Yuki who casually walked in, "Did you do what I asked?"

"He's safely at Hiro's…" Yuki trailed, seeing the sad look on Tohma's face. He didn't even look like he was all there, withdrawn, and cold. The novelist gripped the notebook in his hand and wondered if he should honestly hand it over. "Isn't this painful for you? The press shouldn't be able to ensnare you so easily."

"It's not me I'm worried about."

Yuki countered, "It's not him, either." He stared hard at Tohma then. "Believe me. This kind of thing doesn't even bother Shuichi. Not when he's in love."

"Why are you suddenly concerned?" Tohma met the glare head on. "His first experience with love was with you, and what did you do with that love? You treated it carelessly. It was something that could be disposed of at any given moment."

That was enough, Yuki decided, as he slammed the book down in front of the NG president, "What makes you any different?"

He looked to Yuki and then at the notebook, not even startled, but intrigued by the sudden feeling of familiarity, "What is that?"

"Shuichi's feelings…" And with that, the novelist turned to leave, but he had to wonder if what he did was the right thing to do. He had debated several times just returning it to Shuichi, but nothing would get solved for him that way. How could he have left something so valuable behind? The writing it contained was so personal, like little confessions.

_01 – Denial  
02– Everything  
03– Affliction  
04– Devotion_

_This will be the last letter I'm going to write to you, since my heart is tired now. Each day just seems to further exhaust me. To just breathe and exist, do you know how hard that's been? Even before you, I always thought of disappearing into nothing. I'd never kill myself for the end, but I would end whatever was killing me. You're what hurt me, but you also keep me living in a world that I can't understand. I vowed to be strong, yet I'm only fooling myself. My outside now reflects what's on the inside and I worry about who I'll become. I'm worried that there's no coming back. Whatever I'll be from now on, just stay healthy. Stay happy. Stay you. _

I looked up once Hiro opened the door, only to be met with the same concerned look that's always appeared on his face when I was lost. I haven't been myself, but please accept me. I haven't seen this look from him in a long awhile, but only because I stopped paying attention. I stopped coming over. I stopped being a friend.

He pulled me into a firm hug. There was a hint of a smile in his voice, "You finally came to me." I slowly brought my hands up to his back, returning the embrace.

"Hiro-kun, who is at the door_–_Shuichi!" Ayaka clasped her hands together with a look of delight on her face. She only wanted Hiro's happiness and I was a top contributor.

Somehow I knew that he'd always be here for me. Who cares if we grew apart from each other? Who cares how long I remained in the dark. He took me through his new home, "Sit down. Relax."

I accepted his offer, obliging all too willingly. Ayaka came out with a tea tray, pouring and serving us like a good wife. "Remember being young, Hiro? How easy it was to just drag yourself through anything."

He laughed, "Ever since your parents got divorced, you always wanted a simple life. How the hell is this simple? You must always aim to be better than you already are. Because you're better, you probably avoid dragging yourself through anything. You probably know how to get yourself out of these situations as well."

Smiling, I was pleased that he knew me so well. "After Mom and Father split, I refused to see them, almost hating them. That witch was going to force me to go to America with her. Then you showed up looking like you were in prayer, tears streaming down your face, and begging."

"She thought I was nuts," he chuckled, getting caught up in the memory. "I knew she'd allow you to stay if I offered to pay for your schooling, which we never went through with by the way. Does she hate me?"

I shrugged, shaking my head. "We've lost contact."

That particular day played in my head now. Had my mother also been crying? She let me go without hesitation. I could barely remember her voice, but I knew she said she loved me. Maybe I made that part up for myself? I was young.

"If you don't mind, I'd really like to rest." He nodded, gesturing me towards one of the spare bedrooms. The bed looked so comfortable, but would have been better if Tohma were beneath those sheets, taken away in a deep dream. I thanked Hiro and Ayaka both before landing face first into the soft pillows. Despite how tired I was, I wouldn't sleep. My mind wouldn't allow me such luxuries.

That's what I get for neglecting my thoughts. I could always write them? I brought my hand to my back pocket to retrieve my notebook, but it wasn't there. How didn't I notice that sooner? Shit. At what point did I lose it? Maybe it was out on the couch? I remember having it back at the company. Maybe it fell out then and someone placed it on a table?

I'll retrace my steps tomorrow.

_Fall off the wagon and get swallowed by dragons. _

I opened my eyes, wondering if I had fallen asleep at some point. It had only felt like a second, but when I looked over at the clock, it was already one in the morning. I knew how this was going to go and I couldn't stand pretending to sleep for much longer. While my mind ran wild, there would be no rest. Every single part of my being ached painfully, and I could hardly breathe under these conditions.

This is what it felt like when your heart has been ripped out. Why would he betray me like this? How was he even capable? Sure, Tohma was powerful, but he wasn't, couldn't be, not even a little bit like this, unless you take the past into account. He had already proven to me that he wasn't like that anymore, so even still…

_Even still..._

I remade the bed and left a note on the table, once again thanking Hiro and Ayaka for their hospitality. I wouldn't be able to return here, either. I gave a thorough sweep of the couch, but there was no sign of my notebook. My legs took me to the bar I used to frequent. The last time I came here was with Tohma. It was when we watched that wedding. Sadly, I tend to remember everything in vivid detail. I even remembered what I had been wearing.

After having a few drinks, I stepped outside into the crisp night air. The ocean breeze was salty and intoxicating. I was so comfortable, probably due to the alcohol. Even if it had only been a little bit, it was still having its effect on me. Next step would be Yuki's limo. My fingers dialed the familiar digits, listening to the ring.

The waves were something tonight, rolling and crashing together.

"It's late, Shuichi." He didn't even sound tired. It wasn't like I interrupted him from his sleep.

I nodded slowly, still fixated. "I know and I'm sorry, but this will only take a moment."

"I'm listening."

"Have you seen a notebook around? It might've dropped out of my pocket earlier inside the limo." There was a long pause of silence, when Yuki finally answered.

"Nope, I haven't seen it. My driver would've noticed it, since he does maintenance before leaving for the night."

"I see. Well, thank you for your time." And then we hung up like two strangers.

The last place to check was the company building. If it was there, it was probably safe for now, but I honestly didn't want to stop now. I took a taxi there, deciding that I'd still like to have use of my legs tomorrow. I did too much walking for one day. The tall building wasn't very intimidating at night, but at least there weren't any paparazzi. It was almost bleak without so many people coming and going.

One of the cleaning staff opened the door for me. "I'm just going to grab my things real quick." We bowed out of custom, thanking him, and respecting him. This kind of thing really was not allowed, yet there I was, breaking all the rules. Or whatever.

Reaching the same floor as the recording room, I could already tell that it had been cleaned spotless. There was nothing on the floor, on the tables, on the counters, anywhere. They wouldn't have thrown out a notebook. I turned off the light, closed the door, and stood there for what seemed like forever. Of course the outcome wouldn't be in my favor.

I followed the corridor down its well-known path, thinking of where else it could be. There were several possibilities, and yet they all seemed unlikely. I stopped in front of a door, the president's specifically. I would lead myself here. Maybe it was possible that the notebook was in there? It probably wasn't. I knew for sure that it wasn't possible.

Just in case…

My hand felt heavy on the doorknob and it took effort just to turn it, and shove it open. This room again. The first time we made love. The many times my career had almost ended. I took a step inside the darkness, and brought my hand up to turn the light on, allowing my eyes to adjust to all that was illuminated, when I saw him there.

He was asleep on a pile of papers. It was almost like a dream, to see him here, like this. I must've been dreaming. I stopped just as I reached the desk. In his sleep, Tohma's face was soft and calm. Choppy blond hair lay in his face and I'm almost tempted to touch my fingers to his skin, to his silky hair, or to his parted lips. Then a tear slipped from beneath his lashes, over the bridge of his nose, and onto a sheet of paper.

It felt like my heart was being squeezed in my chest, constricting my breathing, like something was crushing my windpipe. "Tohma…I'm sorry."

He slowly stirred, causing me to freeze. He blinked a few times, before settling his clear blue eyes on me, "Shuichi. You came."

I nodded a few dozen times before answering, "Yeah."

"That's not like you."

"You haven't been yourself either." I watched as he sat up and right there beneath him was my notebook. He had been sleeping on top of it. "Where did you get that?"

He looked at the book. "Yuki dropped it off."

"Did you…"

He looked directly at me, "Read it? Yes."

"You shouldn't have done that." How could he have read all of those intimate words? How frustrating. How embarrassing.

"It was written to me anyway. That last letter, Shuichi-"

I cut him off, "How dare you sit here crying and feeling upset! You lied to the press. You made Yuki lie. I thought no way would this have come from Tohma. I believed in you. I didn't think you would do something like this…"

"It was for your sake." He brought a hand up to his tired face, sighing. "I thought it was the right decision. Also, since we weren't together, I only wanted to protect you." His voice lowered, as if speaking only to himself, "It's the one thing I can do for you anymore."

"There's another letter. One I didn't get to write on paper. It's a letter I've kept inside." I could feel his eyes watching me as I slowly moved around the desk. I needed to be closer. He looked so defeated, so vulnerable. That was my role. Now I knew what it was like to play the savior. "I lied to myself. I lie all the time, if you think about it. I'm sorry I never showed you how much I cared, or if it felt like I was resisting you all the time."

"Shuichi…"

"No! I'm sorry. It's not like I haven't actually been living this whole time. I have been, but it's because of you. I took you for granted. You shouldn't have to read my thoughts, my feelings. I should have just expressed them, instead of fearing what that might mean."

My body shook, overwhelmed once the tears wracked my body. I closed my eyes, not wanting to be weak here. I needed to be stronger than this. I wanted him to understand me, yet there I was breaking down. The chair Tohma was sitting on slid back, as he stood and pulled me to him. The gesture was so pleasant that I leaned into it, the warmth and comfort was like bliss.

Being held by the man I was in love with…

My voice broke as a small whisper, and trembling. "I love you."

It had to be enough.

Gentle and slow in his movements, he grabbed the side of my face as he stared down into my eyes, searching me. "I love you, too." He leaned in as if going to kiss me, his thumb parting my lips, "Be with me, Shuichi. Stay with me always." I pressed a kiss to his finger, before leaning up the extra inch, confirming my response.

I could feel his lips form into a smile against mine, returning the kiss with equal passion. The hand on my face slid down across the back of my neck, holding me firmly. There was nothing to hide behind. Everything was exposed and it felt exquisitely perfect. The doubt that would usually creep itself into the back of my mind wasn't there anymore.

It felt okay to love this person and being loved was right. It was safe. Tohma was everything that I desired in another living person. He was what I deserved. My broken heart, those painful memories I thought I couldn't bear, days where I thought living was impossible without Yuki, were gone like a passing storm.

I never imagined being able to love this deeply again.

"That was a very clever plan." Kei said, as he stood in front of Yuki, lowering his shades to the bridge of his nose to look the writer in the eye, azure meeting gold. They couldn't look away from each other.

"That's why you came to see me? You wanted to commend me." That was priceless. It wasn't like Yuki had wanted to give Shuichi up so willingly. He gave a snort, "Is that all?"

"I'm wondering what to tell the press." Both men stood outside the large company building. What a cliché it turned out to be, Tohma and Shuichi. It was something he would throw into one of his sappy romance novels. He honestly couldn't stand it, probably because it would be a good read, a better read.

"That's something you should work out by yourself. Now until you come up with something better worth my time, please refrain from speaking to me, _Claude_." The manager smirked upon hearing the rude response, half expecting it, but he hadn't heard his real name in awhile. That was quite interesting to him.

He figured he could try to leave a mark, speaking before Yuki could walk out of earshot, "You're not fooling anyone. Everyone will start to notice that the cold writer truly does have a heart."

"If I could get rid of it, I would." Yuki stopped for a moment, thoughtful. "It's what keeps me living. Feeling, I mean, whether it's bad or good."

"What happens when you stop feeling? What if after awhile, it's all just dead?" Kei had to ask, since that was the shaky path the novelist was currently on. The more Shuichi would disappear he'd imagine Yuki falling into nothingness as well. Why did the manager care?

Yuki turned then, finding it ironic to be saying this with all things considered, "Write a letter about it." The older man tilted his head for a moment, not quite getting it, but he nodded all the same. Slowly, surely, he'd try to get more used to the idea of Yuki. He wanted to deeply understand the novelist, even if it meant holding a gun to his head, and listening to each and every fear by either force or manipulation. Maybe even a combination of both.

Truly interesting…

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**End**


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